Originally published in August 2021
It’s not about “Will I be single forever?” I see this question a lot, mostly erupting from a state of panic. One-too-many romantic proposals on piers or awkward poses with sonogram photos happening to someone who isn’t you and boom. The fear, the jealousy, the rage, the helplessness, the exhaustion. The drive to grip the situation by the wheel and do something to end your singlehood as fast as possible. Only whatever you try to do, all the things you’ve ever tried to do, it doesn’t work. You’re still single, and still scared. You’re also asking the wrong question entirely.
It’s not about dating tips and tricks or Instagram dating gurus. It’s not about some magical change you can implement that will make your partner materialize in front of you. It’s not about asking yourself whether or not you’ll be single forever, because I believe that if you want relationships, you’ll have them. Maybe not on the timeline you want, maybe not before the stroke of midnight on your 30th birthday, but on a timeline that’s much more tailored to you, sure. It’s a relationship, not a yacht in Capri, most of the planet parters up—we’re not asking for much. The actual question isn’t “Will I be single forever?” Instead, it’s “Why is that all you can think about?”
A singular focus, an all-consuming dedication to ending singlehood by any means necessary is quite frankly no way to live. It’s lack-centered, it’s desperate, and if you’re offended by me saying this, welcome. You’re exactly who I want to talk to right now. I’ve been writing and podcasting for years, trying to help women see how much singlehood doesn’t actually suck so that we can break out of a useless dependency on dating, an endless effort to “find someone” and maybe actually live our fucking lives. A single life that doesn’t center dating is about 10,000x happier than a single life that can only focus on finding a partner. You’re actually living less than you could be. Do you really want to know how to not be “single forever,” or are you at all interested in living your life?
If I sound frustrated, it’s because I am. Because I’ve been screaming into the internet for hundreds of thousands of words now but I still see countless Facebook groups and Instagram account comment sections acknowledging how much dating sucks while simultaneously refusing to do anything about it. I do something about it, and if you’re really fucking tired of sending horrific screenshots to all your friends and bitching about the same things over and over again until they stop responding, here are the real points I’m trying to make that might actually improve your single life. I want to erase “Will I be single forever?” from your repertoire. Let’s give it a try.
Delete Your Fucking Dating Apps (read this if you can’t stop deleting-redownloading-deleting-redownloading)
Let’s start here, with the obvious. In my opinion, the #1 cause of singlehood unhappiness is not loneliness, because there are too many friends, family members, hobbies, and pets in this world. Thinking that single women are just lonely is a really lazy and uninformed way to view us. Anyone who’s ever felt alone while in a relationship can back me up.
Dating apps and their users have two very competing goals. Users want to find someone, dating apps stop making money when their users find someone. Why would a dating app ever want to work when it’s incentivized to keep you single and swiping as long as possible? I gave it ten years. How long are you willing to pay a business to lie to you? Stop looking at the coworker you know who got married off an app as representative, and start looking at her as what she actually is—an anomaly used to bait an entire generation of single women into parting with their money. Think about how long you’re willing to wait and struggle to be an anomaly. Read the link above, I mean it.
Single people are allowed to give a shit about more than dating. Your future partner is probably not hiding in a dating app. Dating apps are not the only way people meet now, in fact in my opinion when people meet on dating apps it’s a fucking accident. Sure, anytime you put millions of people together, some of them will fall in love. Even a broken clock is right twice a day and I don’t care about the people who actually meet someone. I care about those of us who never do. Remember that we’re living an entire life full of possibility, but if all you ever are is head-down in an app, you’re missing it.
Dating Is Not Your Job (read this if you’ve ever felt like it is)
Your singlehood doesn’t saddle you with the responsibility of dating. You don’t have to date—it is not a requirement, and it is not a prerequisite for partnership. Singlehood doesn’t actually suck — dating does, and it’s been letting singlehood take the blame for its crimes. You’re not unhappy single because you get the whole bed and you never have to compromise with anyone or do more than your fair share of housework. You’re unhappy because dating is punishing, difficult, and often fruitless. I did it for ten straight years without one relationship resulting from it, I should know.
You are allowed to stop dating and still connect with the right relationships for you anyway. You have proof of this in every relationship you know of that did not begin because someone was hunting for it like they were starving. You are allowed to stop dating if it’s making you hate your life.
Do you actually think that singlehood is so shameful that you deserve to hate your life? It’s not. It’s just that society has created negative narratives around singlehood that make us feel ashamed, lower status than those in couples, and that keep us completely blind to this free, possibility-filled time in our lives. And I mean yeah, if the argument was really “hate being single and date a lot so that you can find love!” that would make sense. But we’re not living in a simple equation, and dating never has to lead to any relationships at all. You don’t have to participate in this bullshit if it’s making you feel bad. You’re allowed to meet your future partners just by living your life, anyway.
Understand That There Is Nothing Wrong With You (read this if you’ve ever felt like you’re causing your own singlehood)
There is nothing wrong with you that’s “keeping you single,” and I can prove it. Are all your friends and family members who are in couples perfect? Hardly. Who you are isn’t a problem in need of fixing in order to find a mate. Who you authentically are is precisely the thing that draws the right people for you in closer. You can’t “scare away” the right people for you. I mean it.
Stop Participating In Single-Shaming (read this if you’re still watching The B*chelor)
Unfollow the dating meme accounts that post little screenshots and make fun of the abhorrent messages men send to women. This isn’t a joke, this is someone opening an app looking for the love of her life and finding thousands of assholes instead. Potentially for years at a time. Ghosting isn’t a joke, it’s someone who took overt action to get you to pay attention to them suddenly deciding you’re not worth paying attention to anymore and ignoring you as if you never existed. That isn’t funny. Unsolicited dick pics aren’t a joke. They’re sexual intrusions into your life that men on dating apps feel entitled to deposit upon you. And every time you “like” a funny little post or share a meme or keep watching television shows that treat single people like court jesters for the public’s entertainment, you’re participating. You’re participating in the shaming of us, in the degradation of us. Of you. There’s a reason it feels icky to read this paragraph. You might be realizing something uncomfortable for the first time. And that’s okay, because now you can actually do something about the way you feel, instead of continuing to expose yourself to more and more and more disappointment at best and trauma at worst. You can opt out, and help shape a new narrative.
Have you ever even bothered to ask yourself why you hate being single so much? Or are you just assuming it’s a wrong thing to be? Are you refusing to see anything more than “Will I be single forever?” because that’s all you think you’re allowed to care about? After however many years you’ve already spent doing things the old fashioned way, maybe give a new perspective a try? Ask yourself what’s good about being single. You might surprise yourself with the answers. You might discover that it’s actually an incredible way to live, one you’ll actually miss someday when you’re patterned. Because you will be patterned at some point if you want to be. In the meantime, you’re allowed to stop panicking, and start acknowledging that you already have a valid, worthy, free, beautiful life right now.
Will you be single forever? It’s very unlikely. Will you still be focusing on this ridiculous question after listening to what I have to say maybe just a little bit? I hope not. I hope you see that you have better things to do.
If you need more support on the topic of singlehood, my book, A Single Revolution: Don’t look for a match—light one, is available now.