Originally published in June 2021
Single AF. Single as fuck. While I was under the impression that single and in-a-relationship were binary states (polyamory and *actual* open relationships notwithstanding), apparently you can be more single than just single. You can be single as fuck. You can be a whole new degree of single that exists beyond the binary that indicates you’re more single than just single itself, and you can use this quantifier when describing yourself in public. Here’s the thing though—this is degrading, you’re imposing it upon yourself, and let’s just stop.
It’s helpful to know, as we begin our time together, that I do not believe being single is a lesser life status, a wrong state of existing, or just…a bad thing. I think it’s perfectly possible to enjoy *the fuck* out of being single while still genuinely desiring a relationship. Those two things can coexist, and my fear is that outdated narratives around singlehood are making single women think they have to portray their own goddamned singlehood as a character flaw.
Calling yourself “Single AF” doesn’t make you charming, witty, or funny. It makes you an accomplice. You’re supporting a society that thinks single people should be ashamed of themselves. When you use “Single AF,” you’re telling the world that you agree. Are you ashamed, or would you just like a partner already? You don’t have to use insulting quantifiers to indicate that your experience with singlehood has been pretty unfair. I know it’s been unfair, it’s been unfair for me too. I see you, and I’m really sorry.
When I see women refer to themselves as “Single AF” my heart sinks like a failed meringue. What I’m really hearing is that they consider their singlehood to be a failure, a lack, or an indicator that they’re not just unwanted or unwantable, they’re also those things as fuck. There’s self deprecating humor, and maybe in very small doses it’s acceptable when a standup comedian is being paid money to do it, but this isn’t that. “Single AF” isn’t funny, or cute, or colloquial. “Single AF” is shitting on yourself.
What are we actually saying when we use the term “Single AF?” Maybe by unpacking this useless quantifier, we can kill it.
First, I think it’s people trying to cut single shaming off at the pass—which I guess is kind of commendable. The assumption is that if we make fun of ourselves first, other people can’t. If I tell you up front that I think my singlehood is just as embarrassing as you think it is, we’re on the same team, and I don’t have to feel the shame of your pitying eyes over brunch.
Only you never have to do this, because your singlehood isn’t something about you that’s wrong. Someone else giving you pity or making you feel lacking for…just being yourself without another person says way more about their own fears of singlehood than it ever has to say about the fact you get the whole bed. We don’t have to do this.You don’t have to help the world shame your singlehood.
Or it an invitation? “I’m single AF” as some sort of beacon of availability, letting all who are nearby know that you’re accepting applications? Maybe that’s it, leading with a lack message so that someone will realize they should fill the void.
Does that feel good to you? Does that feel like it’s going to work? Does self-shaming really feel like an empowered way to let the world know that you’re actively interested in partnership? Or is maybe just living a full, valid, authentic life far more likely to give off the attractive vibes you’re somehow hoping to reverse engineer with “Single AF?” I don’t see much self worth in “Single AF,” and it really puts crumbs in my butter because when you reconnect with your self worth while you’re single, you start to enjoy the shit out of your time alone. It’s hard to be “Single AF” when you enjoy it.
I think “Single AF” is a complaint. I think it’s an exasperated cry into the ether that expresses frustration with one’s own perceived flaws as well as the actual difficulties involved in dating. I think “Single AF” is another way to say we’re really goddamned tired.
Dating and “finding someone” aren’t the fun activities that were sold to us when we were kids. I think we thought that someday we’d be participating in fun, flirtatious courtship and when we got there it looked more like a flaming obstacle course. Basic human dating activities shouldn’t require regular sessions with a therapist. But they do, because we’ve allowed a toxic, degrading, fruitless dating culture to blossom like unchecked crab grass. You didn’t give yourself the “as fuck” moniker alone, you had help.
It’s okay to be tired, and frustrated, and really angry at your singlehood—that’s allowed. But you’re also allowed to feel better about it too, and not only when you “find someone” and therefore aren’t single anymore. You’re allowed to feel better about singlehood while you’re still that way. And I strongly suggest it, because then you’re a lot less likely to settle and leave singlehood for relationships that are less than what you deserve. You also just get to enjoy being alive every day, as a fun little bonus. I do a lot of work on this topic and if you’d ever like more singlehood support than you can swipe your way to, there’s plenty.
Your singlehood isn’t a shameful thing about you such that you need qualifiers and quantifiers to make other people feel better about it. I promise you it feels far better to say “I’m single” without giving a fuck than it does to say “I’m single as fuck.” Stop self-owning, you don’t have to do that.
I know we live in society that shames singles, that makes us feel wrong and less-than. Don’t help society be an asshole. Instead, stop reinforcing the idea that being single sucks to the world and to yourself by using terms like “Single AF.” I want to live in a world where “single” isn’t a negative. I’m trying really hard to get us there. But every time you describe yourself as “Single AF,” you’re holding us both back. I love what I am, I know we can all love what we are. And the day all single women realize that we don’t have to hate this, that we’re allowed to fully live and enjoy our singlehood for however long it lasts, I’ll be proud as fuck of us all.