Originally published in February 2022.
I’m going to tell you about a real thing that just happened. I’ll spare you the long intro with my background and qualifications for ripping this sort of thing to tatters, honestly if you don’t know who I am you will learn today.
A person who follows me on Instagram just sent me an invitation they received to a “Jack & Jill,” which is the name for a combined bachelor/bachelorette party. The party requires purchasing a ticket to attend. The tickets cost $40 per couple, and $25 per single person.
I’m going to eat this frog in sections, stay with me.
First: Barf. A “Jack & Jill?” Does this feel…I don’t know, super childish to anyone else? And I’m not talking about separating the genders. I myself have many male-identifying friends that I’d want at mine. I’m talking about semi-traditional pre-wedding parties with only the bride or groom’s friends in attendance. Can you not be apart for even the length of a good time? Are you that worried one of you is going to have fun without the other? If you don’t want to celebrate separately, you know you don’t have to celebrate at all, right? Honestly if you came to me and said this was what you wanted for your bachelor/ette party I’d question whether you were mature enough to wed in the first place.
Here’s why I actually have a problem with this…and I’m just spitballing here, but isn’t this just another engagement party or reception? I genuinely do not understand the fucking point of this gathering. Isn’t this what we do at the wedding? Why do we have to do it twice?
This is an attention issue. A need to feel a spotlight. And perhaps an inability to locate one in any other format. With regards to couples using a public acknowledgement that they’re going to continue sleeping with only each other, but this time with tax incentives, I’m finished paying attention to them. I’m also finished with other people feeling like they’re obligated to.
Second: If you charge money to attend an event that is being thrown in celebration of two specific people for a specific reason you are tacky as the day is long and your parents raised you poorly. You’re forcing people to go (even further) out of pocket to demonstrate that they’re a good friend and you therefore are a shitty one. If you cannot afford to throw the party, do not throw the party. It’s a party, it’s optional, and no one should be putting themselves out financially if that’s not a safe or smart decision for them. If the couple isn’t happy enough about deciding to marry each other unless multiple soirees are thrown in their honor, despite the fact that this is 2022 not 1722 and no one involved is royalty, then perhaps they need to rethink how happy this marriage is going to make them at all.
Third: Why do single people have to pay more? WHY DO SINGLE PEOPLE HAVE TO PAY MORE? How is a single person going to consume resources in a different amount than each member of a couple would? If we’re going by booze and food consumption as the reasoning for ticket prices, men should, on average, pay more than the women. I said it.
There is zero logic in this ticket differential which leads me to believe the people throwing this bus fire of an event are doing it just to be dicks.
Fourth: Why did it even occur to you to group attendees by their Noah’s Ark pairings? Am I crazy? Is the default setting for ticketed entry not one person/one ticket? Why is this where their minds went? If you think single people are that much lower of a life form that you’d charge them more money to be in your presence just come right out with it and be honest.
There’s too much wrong with this to zero in on any one reason I wouldn’t be attending if I were you, but the really painful part for me is that it “others” single people and makes them pay a penalty for not having the convenience of a built-in partner. It’s too backwards to validate. It shames singles, and makes them feel bad about what they’re doing while simultaneously obligating them to do it.
For me, this is nothing more than a culling of friends. And I don’t mean the married couple is culling people who don’t “love them enough” to indulge their bullshit, I mean the single people are culling the couples who don’t respect them.
WE ARE DONE. We, as a human collective, are finished going along with literally any asinine ask under the presumed obligatory umbrella of a wedding. It’s. Just. A. Wedding. The inflation of importance surrounding something that is an option and a gamble is too blatantly flawed to silently participate in any longer. Not in this economy.
A wedding is a choice to enter into a legal agreement that has a 50/50 shot of still existing in 20 years. Please stop asking your friends and family to treat it like a fucking coronation. If you haven’t found purpose in life that makes you feel good, important, and valued yet, I’m very sorry. I sincerely hope you go look for it. But what I can assure you is that the attention and validation you need will not be satisfied by being a bride or groom for one day. Maybe that’s why you continually drag this shit out and make your friends and family feel like they have to prove themselves to you by participating.
Grow up, lose the entitlement, and congratulations.