Originally published in January 2022.
There are a lot of “shoulds” to single life. People love to “should” all over us. You should try this app or this dating coach or you should go to that party because you never know who will beeeeee there! It’s all sugar-coated nonsense stuffed down the throats of single people regardless of whether or not we’re hungry. But we don’t have to should. We don’t have to anything. We are actually in charge of our own lives, and there’s nothing less savvy, smart, or worthy about those lives simply because we haven’t “met someone” in a world of couples who met by accident but still think you’re doing dating wrong.
So here are 17 things single people will NOT be participating in during 2022, because we simply don’t have to. Everyone should respect our decisions.
1 — Thinking That Being Single & Dating Are The Same Thing: Hear me when I say that being single doesn’t suck, dating does. And too often we let dating get off scot-free while we bemoan how much we don’t want to be single anymore. It’s not that we don’t want to be single anymore, with all of its freedom, lack of compromise, and total absence of “uuhhh, I dunno, where do you want to go to dinner?” It’s that we just don’t want to date anymore, and we think we have to date until we “find someone.” We don’t.
2 — Dating On Eggshells: In 2022, we aren’t giving a DAMN about who we “scare away.” We are understanding that if someone is scared away, GOOD. Anyone who can be scared away should scurry off into the hills as quickly as possible so that we are saved the burden of wasted time. Do you honestly want someone who is around because you’re being super careful not to “scare them away?” Does that sound like a comfortable way to live to you?
3 — Letting People Find Entertainment In Our Pain: Our “horror stories” are not there to delight people over dinner. Painful, frustrating, disappointing experiences that we’ve had in the dating space or in our singlehood are not entertainment, they’re not someone else’s funny story. The next time someone asks you to tell them a dating horror story, I challenge you to ask them to tell the story of the last fight they had with their partner where they thought they might break up. If they can ask you, you can ask them—or we could all just respect each other instead.
4 — Calling It Ghosting: It’s not “ghosting.” It’s not that cute. It someone with zero manners fucking ignoring you. Stop participating in spaces where rudeness has been rebranded as “the way things are now” and demand more of a culture where you’ve chosen to spend your time and money.
5 — Thinking We Can’t Have What Couples Have: You don’t have to save anything for “best,” ie: when you’ve partnered. Best is now. You are best. You are valid, whole, worthy, and you don’t have to wait for the coupled part of your life to have the experiences you want to have. Get a Costco membership, is what I’m saying.
6 — Taking Dating Advice: You can’t give people advice on something that is entirely up to luck, chance, and fate. This isn’t up to us, so we can’t possibly be doing it wrong. DATING ADVICE IS ALL NONSENSE STOP LISTENING TO IT. Honestly, do yo want to spend another year listening to whatever bullshit popped into someone’s head in the moment (that they never actually had to put into practice in their own lives), or do you want to go do something fun someplace? I know my answer.
7 — Trying To Earn A Partner: There’s a misunderstanding. Single people are not operating at a deficit. We don’t have to accrue a certain amount of suffering the dating space in order to have finally “earned” love. Meeting people doesn’t work that way, and you were never behind in your account. You don’t have to suffer first in order to connect with your next partnership. Let go of that false narrative and stop punishing yourself with more dating.
8 — Making “Finding Someone” The Center Of Our Lives: If you’re single, it is not a requirement that you be on the hunt. You don’t have to do that. Just because you’re single, that doesn’t mean dating needs to occupy a massive share of your headspace, time, or money. You’re allowed to just live, to be open to relationships rather than search for them like holy grails. Searching is not mandatory. Living is.
9 — Spending Shitloads Of Money On Other People Who Never Have To Spend A Penny On Us: You don’t have to fly to the wedding. You don’t have to give a baby gift. You don’t have to put yourself out or take on a financial hardship just to celebrate someone else because they did the thing society celebrates. You’re allowed to spend your money on celebrating you instead. Anyone insulted by your lack of expenditure in celebration of their totally common life milestones maybe doesn’t need to be in your life anymore.
10 — Paying For Maybes: We’re not paying coaches of any kind for dating advice when what we actually want to know is where the fuck to meet our partner. Because they don’t have that information. We’re not paying dating apps to feed us bucketfuls of verbal and emotional abuse while we keep swiping for more, convinced “he’s in there somewhere.” He’s not. Stop wasting your money on maybes and go on a solo trip that’s definitely more enjoyable.
11 — Thinking Our Privacy Is Less Sacred Than Married People’s: “So, how’s dating going?” This is the same thing as, “So, how happy is your marriage?” Your romantic life is your business, just like everyone else’s is. Your privacy is not less real just because you’re single. We so readily accept the privacy of “what happens behind closed doors,” but single people’s doors close too.
12 — Putting All Our Faith In A Random “Success Story:” I don’t care if you know someone who met someone on a dating app. Have you? How long have you been trying to be one of those success stories? How much longer are you going to continue to try despite years of messaging coming back to you that this simply isn’t your path? It’s not “giving up” or “lowering your chances” if dating apps have never delivered on ANY of the chances you’ve already given them. Believe in what happened to someone else, or start listening to what’s happening to you. Your choice.
13 — Thinking We’re Not “Doing Enough.” We’re not asking to win the lottery. We’re asking for something billions of people all over the world already have: Partnership. We don’t have to exhaust ourselves in order to find something that happens to people every day. You’re allowed to just live, for fucks sake, and allow relationships to happen when they happen. If you’re worried that it’s not happening “fast enough,” it might be time to ask yourself why you feel compelled to hurry. Is it that your singlehood is really such a burden, or is it the world we live in that shames women every year that they get older without a spouse? Why are you letting what the world thinks drive your decisions, rather than basing your decisions on thoughts and feelings that come from within you?
14 — Letting People Bully Us & Get Away With It Under The Guise Of “I Just Want You To Be Happy:” It’s not well-meaning if it makes you feel like shit. Click this link, seriously. I am so, so deeply tired of single women being casually shit on by people who are supposed to love us. I stopped standing for it, and I feel so much better. I want the same for you.
15 — Calling Ourselves “Single AF”: Honestly what the fuck does this even mean? Has society not shamed you enough? Do you really feel the need to shame yourself more?
16 — Waiting To Be Chosen: Choose yourself. Choose what you want, how you want it, choose the life you want to live and stop waiting for the “real” part of your life to start when you “find someone.” Life starts right now, it waits for no one, because you are already someone.
17 — Settling. No. Just…no.