Originally published in November 2021.
In January of 2019, I stopped dating. After ten years of being strung along by dating culture, I finally chose to stop buying the bullshit. If you’re currently single, particularly if you’re single over 30, leaving the dating space is probably something that sounds nice, but also terrifying. “If I don’t date, how will I meet someone?!” The thought echoes in our minds with a tone of terror, and yet we completely ignore all the dating we’ve already done without meeting someone so far. Dating doesn’t have to work for everyone, it’s a truth that’s hard to hear and even harder to turn into behavioral change, but your life’s happiness matters, so let’s give it a try. Three years ago I stopped dating, and today I’m exactly the same amount of single that I was when I was dating, only now I am exponentially more happy. If you’re ready to acknowledge that your happiness matters more than whether or not you’re seeing someone, let’s go.
Leaving dating culture is about more than just deleting your dating apps (but definitely do that). It’s about changing the way you think and feel about being single so that you no longer feel compelled to redownload them. The idea of not dealing with modern dating’s bullshit anymore sounds amazing, but unless you get to the root of why you were participating in it in the first place, you’re likely to go back, because you’ve been groomed to feel like you need to.
It’s basically this: I was deeply miserable for an actual decade, then I started changing the way I think about being single. Now I’m happy — that’s it. Choosing different thoughts led to feeling different feelings, which led to making different choices and living a more abundant life that didn’t revolve around whether or not there was “something going on” with me romantically. The change was so significant that I wanted to share it in a podcast and in an actual book that I published and put on Amazon. I think this shit has legs.
Your singlehood isn’t something that’s wrong with you, it’s a valid part of your life that’s full of freedom and possibility. But if all you’ve ever been shown is how pathetic, sad, desperate, and lonely being single is, particularly as you get older, you won’t be able to see the value of singlehood, because you’re so focused of the shame of it.
If you’re someone who’s beyond fed up with single life, completely exhausted and frustrated with all efforts to partner, wondering why the hell nothing ever “works,” keep reading. You don’t have to “find someone” to feel better. I know that’s not what people want to hear, they just want to hear how the fuck to meet their husband, but I can’t tell you that, and unfortunately neither can anyone else. What I can tell you is that it’s possible to love your single life, and that doesn’t mean you have to “choose” being single forever. Want a relationship. I do! I just also refuse to let the dating space grind me down in a person with no self-worth who will settle for anything because that’s all the dating space makes her feel like she deserves. We deserve better than better than nothing. Let’s learn how to change the way we think about being single, so that we believe it.
1. Being Single Isn’t Bad. This is a simple sentence, but it has a massive job to do. It’s trying to break down a lifetime of misconceptions about what we are. Be patient with yourself, and give it time to sink in. I refuse to believe being single is the worst thing a woman can be. I refuse to see shame in single. Being alone isn’t this sad, pathetic, lesser existence we’ve been bred to fear. What we should fear instead is spending these wonderful, freedom-filled years ignoring the gift in front of us while we’re constantly chasing down an end to our single status. Once you accept the reality that there is nothing inherently wrong with being unpartnered, enjoying being unpartnered quickly follows. It’s a truth I can only tell you, you’re the one that has to feel it for yourself. It’s like a scene from the Matrix. Take the red pill, it’s tasty.
2. Free Your Mind. Is this a slightly cheesy and woo-woo approach? Yes. Is this an En Vogue song from 1992? Also yes. A lot of what keeps us unhappy in a single state is simply happening inside our heads. Our thoughts are keeping us unhappy. I think single women spend too much time thinking about not being single anymore. I think we live in a world that validates couples and invalidates singles and so naturally we’ll give a lot of headspace to ending our single state. But if you open your mind up to the possibility of being happy, just as you are, you can start to shed the need for the external validation that Instagram is telling you that you need. It is possible to change your life and be happier — and you don’t have to partner up to do it. Practice opening your mind up beyond what you currently believe about being single, and see what happens next. It’s really hard to sell a monthly dating app fee to a woman who doesn’t hate being single.
3. There Is More To Single Life Than Dating. Everything created for us, marketed to us, and built for us seems to assume that the only thing we care about is finding a partner. The only thing. It’s an entire section of society aimed at telling us as often as possible that if we are this thing, we should change it. Single? Better fix that, here’s some dating content. Here’s some dating advice. Here are hundreds of dating apps. If the world encounters a single woman, it assumes she’s unhappy — and I’m sick of this shit. What do you think constantly absorbing these negative, lack-focused messages teaches us? Why do we have to believe they’re telling the truth? I’ve seen no proof that singlehood is bad or wrong, just the opposite. I like getting the entire bed to myself and never, ever uttering the phrase “I don’t know, what do you want for dinner?” And these just two small things. There are countless qualities to singlehood that are hiding behind the endless grind of dating. This is going to sound insane, but stay with me: Just because you’re single, that doesn’t mean you have to be dating. You have so much time as a single person to do whatever the fuck you want. Please don’t give all of that time to swiping, searching, and dating. You get to do so much more.
4. Unhappy Single Women Are Set Up To Fail. If you’ve ever felt driven absolutely insane by dating, I wouldn’t be surprised. It’s trying to do that to you, and it’s trying hard. On one hand, you have a society that shames you for being single in one sentence while bitching about their spouses the next. And on the other hand, we have a punishing dating space where we’re constantly made to feel disposable, disrespected, unimportant, and unwanted. How the hell are we supposed to thrive in the middle of that? I believe we can remove ourselves from this shit sandwich, and we don’t need to find a partner first to do it. Leaving this space through a change in mindset, through the acknowledgement that single life is amazing, rather than a plague to cure — that is the way out of hell, instead of waiting for another person to come along and lead you out by the hand. Remember: DATING APPS ARE NOT ON YOUR TEAM. The last thing a dating app wants you to do is stop using it, because that’s when it stops making your money.
5. Happy Single Women Don’t Settle. In my darkest single days, I can remember thinking that maybe my standards were too high. Maybe I should lower what I want, and lower what I’m willing to live with, in order to no longer live alone. Jesus Hermione Christ am I glad I didn’t. Why would I partner with anyone less than exactly who I want? What is the reasoning behind that? I see people partner all the time, they didn’t have to settle. I don’t either. I love my single life. Truly. The only way I will ever be willing to give my singlehood up is for a relationship that is just as good or better. But I could never believe that if I still thought my singlehood was a bad, wrong, shameful thing. This right here is a massive gift your happy single life gives you — you won’t give it up for scraps, crumbs, or less than you deserve, ever. You’ll also stop stressing over every damn date and every damn text. When you let go of the reins and stop trying to force your way into a relationship, your life will flow better, you’ll be able to roll with what comes at you with more ease. Life isn’t supposed to feel impossible.
6. Delete Your Dating Apps. If you do nothing else, get off these apps. They aren’t serving you. They aren’t your friend. Anything that makes you feel like such garbage that you need to take a “break” from it every now and then is not something you should be participating in. Just because you have a coworker who met their husband on an app doesn’t mean you have to suffer through endless bullshit in order to find your own. Listen: If you’re enjoying dating apps, keep using them. But if you’re not, you don’t have to be on dating apps. They are not the only way to meet someone. You know how I know? How long have you been on dating apps? Have you met someone? Okay then. Have you instead spent hours of your life swiping and never actually connecting with anyone? Have you been on endless disappointing dates? Do you want to keep doing that? I didn’t. I deleted my dating apps three years ago and I haven’t looked back or re-downloaded once. The dating apps have no vested interest in you meeting your husband. They have a vested interest in exactly the opposite. They don’t function to have you stop using their services. They want you to keep using their services, forever. Think about that, then clear up some phone space. Dating apps are using our own hope against us, and I think it’s fucking criminal. Delete the apps. Life thee life.
7. Beware of Desperate Energy. It’s not easy to hear, but single can smell desperation. The good news is that desperate energy is really easy to wash off. The second you start changing the way you think about being single, desperate energy goes away. In its place come possibility energy, creative energy, gratitude energy, all manner of more uplifting ways to go about life as opposed to living every single hour of every single day longing to be in a relationship. Treating every match, every text, every date, and every guy like they’re all the last one that will ever come along? That’s desperate energy, and it keeps women involved in bullshit that they should be saying no to. I have been there. I have lived in desperate energy. It’s okay, you haven’t done anything wrong, we’ve been groomed to believe our singlehood is this horrific thing we have to run from. In choosing to see more angles to being single than you’ve allowed yourself before, the old narratives crumble—because they were lying. Being single can feel really, really good, and it can give future relationships a high bar to meet. That’s a good thing.
8. Stop Treating Everything Like An Opportunity To Meet Someone. We are exhausting ourselves. Please stop viewing every moment, event, activity, and errand as a potential time and place to meet your partner. The truth is, they already are these things regardless of whether or not you worry about it. And if you worry about it, you’re approaching everything you do in life setting it up to disappoint you when that trip to the grocery store doesn’t deliver a husband. I don’t want to live my life disappointed, do you? Moreover, men don’t do things! They don’t take cooking classes (unless their partners force them to), they don’t go to events alone or in a group of single guy friends like we do, they are not “do-ers,” women are. Take your pottery class, join an archery league, learn French. But do it because you want to, not because you see these activities as potential places to meet your husband. Assigning that secondary energy to activities means you’re not fully living their intended purpose. Let go, relax, and enjoy life a little more. You deserve that.
9. Stop Social Media Self Harm. When we go on social media, and see countless dreamlike photos of everything “everyone else” has, we are causing harm to ourselves. We don’t have to. Never, ever put someone else’s potential hurt feelings about you muting or unfollowing them over your own feelings. We need to see less of other people’s manicured happiness. There, I said it. Social media is a form of self harm, when every time you log onto it, it hurts. Clear your feeds of things that dredge up comparison thinking, jealousy, or just sadness. Free yourself of the poison you keep feeding yourself. Once you’ve done that, and the unwanted feelings subside, you can try to adjust your thought patterns around what you see on social media. I like this simple practice every time I see a photo of a new couple or new engagement on social media: I think to myself, “I’m so happy for them.” Because I am, because that’s a real thought that’s part of the person I want to be, someone who sees joy in the joy of others, as opposed to just jealousy. You can choose and practice new thoughts. It works, and it helps. Let it.
10. Nothing Outside Of You Can Make You Happy. If you are unhappy, a relationship won’t make you happy. I’ll say it again: If you are unhappy, a relationship won’t make you happy. Relationships don’t fix anything. They are their own entity, and they are amazing. But they’re not going change how happy you are. However, how happy you are might have an impact on your relationship. Want to know more? Talk to married people. There is no “perfect” life scenario. Married life isn’t perfect. Single life isn’t perfect. But everyone’s lives deserve to be happy, and confident, and secure. And those are all things that come from within us, they can’t be given to us by other people. Food for thought.
11. It Is Possible To Love Being Single & Want A Relationship At The Same Time. No, you are not angering the relationship gods by loving your single life. Being happy single does not repel your future partner away from you. In my opinion, it does precisely the opposite. Happy people draw in more of the same. We become magnets for good, for community, for joy, and for love of all kinds when we decide to feel better. Dating is really hard. But changing the way you feel about being single and dating is easy. It’s a simple choice you make, and put in to practice, and if I can do it, I have every faith that anyone can. You don’t have to “swear off dating” in order to love single life. That’s literally not a thing. You can be happily single while looking forward to your next relationship at the same time. You don’t have to choose one or the other, that’s not required.
12. People Meet Everywhere. Don’t read this section until you have a full command of Section 8, I mean it. We need to remember that dating isn’t THE path to partnership, it’s just not. Again, how many years have you been dating? Are you partnered yet? I don’t say this to be cruel, I say it to set people free. Dating doesn’t have to work. It doesn’t owe you anything. It’s not an equation, it’s a game of chance. Stop believing in dating if it’s never rewarded your belief, and start learning about a few more goddamned options. People meet in countless ways, some extraordinary, some mundane. It doesn’t matter how you meet, it matters that you remember that it’s possible to meet someone at all, just by living your life. If you need reminders, I don’t blame you! Needing proof is fine, especially after all we’ve been through. Learn to look at “how we met” stories not at jealousy fodder, but as reminders of what’s possible. Love happened to them, and it can happen to you, because they are not perfect, and you are not unlovable. We are all just human beings living life, and somewhere along the way—and that “somewhere” is allowed to be unique to us all—we will connect with partnerships if that’s something we want. Do not put your faith in something that is never required to deliver, and thus far never has. Our options are far more infinite than that.
I really do look forward to the day that I’m in a loving, committed, amazing relationship. But I refuse to spend every day of my life doing something I hate until then. I don’t believe that is required of me, I don’t believe my singlehood is that shameful. I believe single women have the capacity for far more happiness than society tells us we deserve, and I believe dating steals that happiness far too often. If you can’t do this anymore, you don’t have to. It isn’t “lowering your chances.” It’s living your life.
