How To Stop Hating Being Single
Update: My book, A Single Revolution, published in October of 2021 and is a complete guidebook for anyone who is sick of being sick of being single. Check it out here.
It’s time to write this down. I talk probably more than the internet wants me to about single life all the time, but it seems prudent to unite all of my beliefs about it in one place if for no other reason than to keep me organized and for all of you to have a convenient place to send nosey relatives. By the way the photo above is my first attempt at a thirst trap. You’re welcome.
These are my opinions. They don’t have to work for everyone. All I can tell you is that I was single and miserable for an actual decade, then I started changing the way I think about being single, and now I’m happy — that’s it. The change was so significant that I wanted to share it in a podcast, in my work, and in as many ways as possible. I think this shit has legs.
If you’re someone who’s beyond fed up with single life, completely exhausted and/or frustrated with all efforts to partner, and just in general kind of over it, keep reading. Because what I believe more than anything is that single women are not alone, and we also deserve to feel better. In my opinion, there’s a way to feel better about single life that doesn’t involved ending our single status by finding a partner. Here’s how.
1. Being Single Isn’t Bad. This is a simple sentence, but it has a massive job to do. It’s trying to break down a lifetime of misconceptions about what we are. Be patient with yourself, and give it time to sink in. I know this doesn’t happen overnight. (It took me years, you’re already doing amazing sweetie.)
I refuse to believe being single is the worst thing a woman can be. I refuse to see shame in single. Being alone isn’t this sad, pathetic, lesser existence we’ve been bred to fear. What we should fear instead is spending these wonderful, freedom-filled years ignoring the gift in front of us while we’re constantly chasing down an end to our single status. Once you accept the reality that there is nothing inherently wrong with being unpartnered, enjoying being unpartnered quickly follows. It’s a truth I can only tell you, you’re the one that has to feel it for yourself. It’s like a scene from the Matrix. Take the red pill, it’s tasty.
2. Free Your Mind. Is this a slightly cheesy and woo-woo approach? Yes. Is this an En Vogue song from 1992? Also yes. A lot of what keeps us unhappy in a single state is simply happening inside our heads. Our thoughts are keeping us unhappy. I think single women spend too much time thinking about not being single anymore. I think we live in a world that validates couples and invalidates singles and so naturally we’ll give a lot of headspace to ending our single state. But if you open your mind up to the possibility of being happy, just as you are, you can start to shed the need for external validation that Instagram is telling you that you need. It is possible to change your life and be happier — and you don’t have to partner up to do it. Practice opening your mind up beyond what you currently believe about being single, and see what happens next.
3. There Is More To Single Life Than Dating. Everything created for us, marketed to us, and built for us seems to assume that the only thing we care about is finding a partner. The only thing. It’s an entire section of society aimed at telling us as often as possible that if we are this thing, we should change this thing as soon as possible. Single? Better fix that, here’s some dating content. Here’s some dating advice. Here are hundreds of dating apps. Here are deceptively sad little products we’ve convinced you are actually funny and cute like wine glasses that say “It’s not drinking alone if the cat is home.” If the world encounters a single woman, it assumes she’s unhappy—we have endless proof. What do you think it’s like to be a single woman constantly absorbing these negative, lack-focused messages? I believe that single women care about more than dating. I believe we have a vast array of interests, desires, and hobbies. And I don’t think we have to “fix” being single before we can enjoy them. Single life doesn’t have to be about dating all the time. Enough.
4. Unhappy Single Women Are Set Up To Fail. If you’ve ever felt driven absolutely insane by being single, I wouldn’t be surprised. It’s trying to do that to you, and it’s trying hard. On one hand, you have a society that makes you feel like shit with every passing life milestone you don’t get to have, and we’re all one, “So, are you seeeeing anybodyyyyy?” away from a complete mental breakdown. And on the other hand, we have a punishing dating space where we’re constantly made to feel disposable, disrespected, unimportant, and unwanted. How the hell are we supposed to thrive in the middle of that? My work is centered around removing ourselves from this shit sandwich. Leaving this space through a change in mindset, through the acknowledgement that single life is amazing, rather than a plague to cure — that is the way out, not marriage. (Though if you get married, mazel tov I’m so happy for you.) Remember: DATING APPS ARE NOT ON YOUR TEAM. The last thing a dating app wants you to do is stop using it.
5. Happy Single Women Don’t Settle. In my darkest single days, I can remember thinking that maybe my standards were too high. Maybe I should lower what I want, and lower what I’m willing to live with, in order to no longer live alone. Jesus Hermione Christ am I glad I didn’t. Why would I partner with anyone less than exactly who I want? What is the reasoning behind that? I see people partner all the time, they didn’t have to settle. I don’t either. I love my single life. Truly. The only way I will ever be willing to give it up is for a relationship that is absolutely wonderful. And that right there is a massive gift a happy single life gives you — you won’t give it up for the wrong relationship. You’ll also stop stressing over every damn date and every damn text. When you let go of the reins and stop trying to force your way into a relationship, your life will flow better, you’ll be able to roll with what comes at you with more ease. Life isn’t supposed to be exhausting and impossible. See #4.
6. Delete Your Dating Apps. If you do nothing else, get off these damn apps. They aren’t serving you. They aren’t your friend. Anything that makes you feel like such garbage that you need to take a “break” from it every now and then is not something you should be participating in. Just because you have a coworker who met their husband on an app doesn’t mean you have to suffer through endless bullshit in order to find your own. Listen: If you’re enjoying dating apps, keep using them. But if you’re not, just stop. You don’t have to be on dating apps. They are not the only way to meet someone. You know how I know? How long have you been on dating apps? Have you met someone? Okay then. Have you instead spent hours of your life swiping and never actually connecting with anyone? Have you been on endless disappointing dates? Do you want to keep doing that? I didn’t. I deleted my dating apps in January of 2019 and I haven’t looked back or re-downloaded once. The dating apps have no vested interest in you meeting your husband. They have a vested interest in exactly the opposite. They don’t function to have you stop using their services. They want you to keep using their services, forever. Think about that, then clear up some phone memory, ladies. Dating apps are using our own hope against us, and I think it’s fucking criminal. Delete the apps. Life thee life.
7. Beware of Desperate Energy. It’s not easy to hear, but single can smell desperation. The good news is that desperate energy is really easy to wash off. The second you start changing the way you think about being single, desperate energy goes away. In its place come possibility energy, creative energy, gratitude energy, all manner of more uplifting ways to go about life as opposed to living every single hour of every single day longing to be in a relationship. Treating every match, every text, every date, and every guy like they’re all the last one that will ever come along? That’s desperate energy, and it keeps women involved in bullshit that they should be saying no to. I have been there. I have lived in desperate energy. It’s okay, you haven’t done anything wrong. But you can make a change that feels much more right.
8. Get Off The Hope Roller Coaster. I’ve seen women ask themselves, and me, and each other “why doesn’t he want me” after an encounter with a guy. Do not ever ask yourself “why doesn’t he want me.” Instead, ask yourself why you want him to want you. Why are we pursuing partnership so hard, and at every damn opportunity? Not everyone has to want you. You don’t have to want everyone. But you do have to want yourself, and personally, I didn’t want myself when I was constantly on the hope roller coaster of matching with someone, texting with someone, meeting someone, being let down on the date, or having an amazing time and never hearing from them again, then starting swiping all over again. It’s a punishing cycle and we have to break it. At the same time, we don’t have to stop dating. So we have to change the way we think about dating, and change the thoughts we assign to our interactions in the dating space. Stop treating every encounter as if it’s the last one that will ever come along — because it’s not, and that mentality will make you feel really desperate, and really small. Stop giving dating so much power to decide how you feel. You decide how you feel, nothing external has that right.
9. Stop Treating Everything Like An Opportunity To Meet Someone. Ladies, we are exhausting ourselves. Please stop viewing every moment, event, activity, and errand as a potential time and place to meet your partner. The truth is, they already are these things regardless of whether or not you worry about it. And if you worry about it, you’re approaching everything you do in life setting it up to disappoint you when that trip to the grocery store doesn’t deliver a husband. I don’t want to live my life disappointed, do you? Moreover, men don’t do things! They don’t take cooking classes (unless their partners force them to), they don’t go to events alone, they are not “do-ers,” women are. Take your pottery class, join an archery league, learn French. But do it because you want to, not because you see these activities as potential places to meet your husband. Assigning that secondary energy to activities means you’re not fully living their intended purpose. Let go, relax, and enjoy life a little more. You deserve at least that.
10. Stop Social Media Self Harm. When we go on social media, and see countless dreamlike photos of everything “everyone else” has, we are causing harm to ourselves. We don’t have to. Never, ever put someone else’s potential hurt feelings about you muting or unfollowing them over your own feelings. We need to see less of other people’s manicured happiness. There, I said it. Social media is a form of self harm, when every time you log onto it, it hurts. Do a massive batch-unfollow, and then daily unfollows every time seeing something causes feelings you don’t like. Clear your feeds of things that dredge up comparison thinking, jealousy, or just sadness. Free yourself of the poison you keep feeding yourself. Once you’ve done that, and the unwanted feelings subside, you can try to adjust your thought patterns around what you see on social media. For example, I used to get VERY jealous every time I saw someone get a book deal on Instagram. Now, every time I see this (and I see it CONSTANTLY), I save the photo into my “Goals” board. I have changed my thought process from, “they have it, I don’t, I’m jealous, and I’m not good enough,” to “she did it, so I can do it, it’s possible.”
11. Nothing Outside Of You Can Make You Happy. If you are unhappy, a relationship won’t make you happy. I’ll say it again: If you are unhappy, a relationship won’t make you happy. Relationships don’t fix anything. They are their own entity, and they are amazing. But they’re not going change how happy you are. However, how happy you are might have an impact on your relationship. Want to know more? Talk to married people. There is no “perfect” life scenario. Married life isn’t perfect. Single life isn’t perfect. But everyone’s lives deserve to be happy, and confident, and secure. And those are all things that come from within us, they can’t be given to us by other people. Just some food for thought.
12. It Is Possible To Love Being Single & Want A Relationship At The Same Time. No, you are not angering the relationship gods by loving your single life. Being happy single does not repel your future partner away from you. In my opinion, it does precisely the opposite. Happy people draw in more of the same. We become magnets for good, for community, for joy, and for love of all kinds when we decide to feel better. Dating is really hard. But changing the way you feel about being single and dating is easy. It’s a simple choice you make, and put in to practice, and if I can do it, I have every faith that anyone can. You don’t have to “swear off dating” in order to love single life. That’s literally not a thing. You can be happily single while looking forward to your next relationship at the same time. You are free.
I really do look forward to the day that I’m in a loving, committed, amazing relationship. But I refuse to hate every day of my life until then. I believe single women have the capacity for far more happiness than society tells us we deserve. I also believe there are a lot of us out there, and we also deserve to be friends. I want to leave the single space better than how I found it. Let me know how I’m doing so far.
