Originally published in January 2020.
I’ve always wanted magic. As a kid I tried to walk through mirrors and make potions and I had a very distinct feeling that I was “different,” or special. As if I knew there was magic, I just wasn’t a part of it yet. I was always waiting for them to come and get me.
You grow up and stop trying to make things change just by thinking them and stop keeping a box of precious rocks and paperclips hidden where your dumbass little brother won’t find them and you distance yourself from the magic you used to 100% believe was real. I don’t blame myself for growing up, I’m just sad I gave up on the idea of magic finding me. Then, one year ago today, it did.
On January 26th, 2019, I began Lacy Phillips’ work. If I lose you in this description that’s okay, when you’re ready to read it again, it’ll be here. Lacy Phillips is a manifestation advisor. That’s the description she uses and honestly I don’t know what else to call her except someone who has my gratitude. She’s created a school of thought and a body of work that helps people manifest anything they want into their lives. And I don’t give a shit how crazy that sounds to anyone, because it’s working.
Her process is simple enough: We don’t manifest what’s in our lives based on our conscious thoughts. We manifest based on subconscious programming and beliefs we picked up from ages 0–14ish. So all the “you’re so negative Shani,” “you‘re too angry Shani,” “make a fucking vision board Shani,” is irrelevant. But my low subconscious self worth is very much a concern.
Every morning, I sit in a chair and close my eyes and complete what Lacy calls a “deep imagining,” which is essentially a guided meditation/hypnosis that takes me into memories, moments, emotions, and people throughout my childhood. When I get to them, I reimagine, or reprogram anything that instilled in me limiting beliefs, and low self worth. I change my programming so that my subconscious no longer loops around memories and beliefs that keep me low, but instead around a version of those memories and beliefs that lift my self worth high, back to who I was authentically when I was born. So on a subconscious level, I am aligning, daily, with who I authentically am. Aligning with that authenticity is what magnetizes everything I want to me, and I manifest.
That was a lot. Let me give you a very simple example: I am a writer. I have been a writer since age six. But the programming I grew up with (this is not me shit talking my family by the way, they got their programming somewhere too), told me that “writers don’t make money.” That made me feel very bad as a child. I was essentially told I couldn’t be what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was programmed to believe that if I became a writer, not only would I have no money, but I’d have my family’s disappointment, too. With that programming, with that much blockage keeping me from my authenticity, there was no way I was going to become a writer. And I didn’t. I became a lawyer. That, to put it mildly, did not work out. Because chasing money and status as markers of success, and my family’s approval and praise as markers of success, is not at all aligned with who I am.
Today, I don’t work hard so I can have more money or traditionally accepted accomplishments. I work hard so that I can have more, better work. Because doing work I love is at the core of who I am. Who I am is a writer.
To align with my authenticity, to increase my self worth, and to—yep—manifest everything I want into my life, I do three things:
I “unblock” or reprogram those limiting beliefs through Lacy’s guided deep imaginings.
I “expand” or find people in real life who are doing what I want to do. Some of my “expanders” are Chelsea Handler, Jessica Simpson, Bethenny Frankel, etc. —basically women earning the kind of living they want to, on their own terms, in ways that are unique to them. I have other expanders for other things.
I pass tests. I take action in the real world that shows me (and the Universe, told you I might lose you) that I am living in my worth, and that I know I deserve what I want. The easiest example of this is that I have stopped accepting freelance writing work when the rate offered is lower than my desired rate. I used to lower my rate to pennies, and write for anyone who would “let” me, because I was living with fear and lack programming, thinking I had to take every low offer because if I didn’t I’d have nothing. Now I say no to low money, and I walk away. (Spoiler: More offers and more aligned money always show up.)
But Shani, you said you always believed in magic. So, why would you need Lacy’s work? Because I believed a lot of other shit, too. And it blocked my magic out. There are countless examples of my limiting beliefs and blocks, but in general I’ve had very low subconscious self worth, and have been playing very small in my adult life, every single day until 365 days ago. A few things that have changed since then:
I deleted my dating apps after a decade of using them without even one relationship resulting, because not only were they not serving me, they were making me feel very low worth. I have never redownloaded them and instead have filled the time I used to spend swiping, wanting, and worrying with creative work, self care, and joy. Life is so lifted without hourly reminders of how many men don’t want me. They’ve been replaced with constant reminders that I’m creating work that’s helping people. Keep reading.
I started a podcast inspired by this new dating-app-free, single-postive life that’s centered around having self worth as a single person and saying no to the bullshit out there, rather than accepting it as “the way people date now.” It’s about not settling for a dating world that’s gone to hell because we know we deserve relationships that feel good, that are totally bullshit-free. It’s so much easier to see that when you love your single life, so I try to help people see the good in being single with this podcast. It hit 100K downloads nine months after it launched.
That podcast has a Facebook community with over 1400 people in it, and those people have had meetups in real life without me being there in 14 cities, three countries, and on two continents. There’s one tomorrow in Oakland, February 1st in Portland, February 9th in Toronto, and the ladies in London have their own WhatsApp going for the next time they’ll hang out. The meetup in Los Angeles last week was so big I cried, and the DC crew meets once a month.
I moved from a crumbling, uncomfortable apartment in a 4-story walkup building to a brand-new apartment with an elevator, a dishwasher, a bathtub I fit in, and a view of the sky to the horizon. I watch the sunrise every day.
I have acknowledged my inner educator. I love teaching. I buried that part of me because teaching didn’t pay well (old programming) and also I always believed teaching had to involve teaching kids. Ew. But I love teaching adults. Sharing what I know makes me feel just as lit up as writing does, if not more so. And for the first time I’m acknowledging that I have knowledge, experience, and gifts to share—and that they have value. I’m meant to be teaching more, and this year I intend to turn that passion into income, even passive income. These thoughts would have never entered my mind a year ago. Earning a (good!) living through work I enjoy was never on the table a year go. It is now.
I have self worth. I know I belong here. I’m not afraid of dreaming, pursuing, and receiving. I used to see the future as something that was coming to destroy me. Now I can’t wait to see what’s next.
Hi, I’m Shani. I’m magic.
What’s crazy is that other than the apartment, none of these were even on my “list” of things I’m calling in, or manifesting. These are, I think, simply my authenticity and me aligning, maybe for the first time. I love bringing people together, I love helping people feel better—or even helping them identify that they want to feel better. I love creating and giving, I love making things that have a positive impact. Sometimes it makes me sad to think of how removed and blocked I’ve been from my authenticity. The difference now is I’m someone who can be grateful for finding a way to get back at all. I’ve started to understand that things find us when they’re meant to. It makes me excited to think about what’s coming to find me now.
One of the things discussed and practiced in Lacy’s work is “shadow” or ego. The parts of ourselves we cannot own, that we’re ashamed of. One way to integrate and own these aspects is by revealing them to people we care about. I care very much about people who read my work, so here we go. In 2020, I am putting real work into manifesting love.
There is so much shame in admitting that, because I’ve built a world around me in service of lifting up the wholeness of single life. So why am I drawn to manifest love this year? Honestly, I don’t know, but I’m doing it anyway. Here’s the real honestly: I’m afraid it won’t work. I’m afraid that no matter how much self work I do, how many tests I pass, or how many expansive people I find, I will still won’t have romantic love in my life. But what I know today that I didn’t know a year ago is that this is just energy, this is just low self worth. So yeah, I’m afraid. I’ve been single for 11 years, who wouldn’t be. The difference now is that I know how to work through fear and shame and low worth, and I trust that good can come, and is coming. Just knowing that, after a lifetime of never knowing it, is fucking magic.
Friends don’t recognize me. Visually I’m the same, the bangs are still there and I haven’t introduced actual color into my wardrobe or anything, but when I speak, they see a difference. They notice I’m happy now. Happy. What a concept!
When you start doing Lacy’s work, you uncover your biggest limiting beliefs. The ones that have really been dictating your life to you. I have so many, and it’s important to point out that the process takes time. I’ve been at this a year (but holy shit what a year). I do Lacy’s work almost every day, certainly no fewer than 5x per week. I’d never stuck with or even been drawn to a self work practice before, but here I am. I spent all of 2019 attacking “you’re only worth the minimum” from every angle. I think 2020 and I are going to address “you can only have what you don’t want.”
See you in a year.
