Originally published in November 2019.
Welcome to the Facebook Group about Facebook Group Rules. This is a place to discuss all the different kinds of Facebook Group rules and absolutely nothing else. If you’d like to discuss something else, please do not request access to this group. Not that we’d let you in, but if you could just save us the time and not even try that would be great, we all have jobs and Greg is training for the marathon.
The admins of this group know how much we all love leading lives within clearly defined but heavily abundant boundaries, so we’ve pinned this to the top of this Facebook Group page for easy reference. Please review, bookmark, and memorize all rules and abide by them or your posts will be removed, your access to this group will be revoked, and we’ll publish your 9th grade report card on the front page of a small but very reputable local newspaper.
Everyone is welcome. Except for people who break any of these rules or are blood related to anyone who breaks these rules or hooked up with anyone who breaks these rules in college, regardless of sobriety level at the time of the occurrence. We’re just trying to make this an enjoyable environment for everyone. Except for people who break any of these rules. Also if you own a popcorn machine we don’t want you here.
Obviously no self promotion. That goes without saying but we’ll reiterate it because apparently it’s really difficult to remember. Under no circumstances is this Facebook group supposed to benefit your life in any way. In fact if you could create an entirely anonymous Facebook account specifically for the purposes of joining this group, that’d be great. Please avoid all identifying information about what you do for living or your passionate side projects. No one should have any idea what matters to you or whether or not you could use a hand in any way. People helping each other is literally not what this group is about.
No posting links, questions, discussion topics, videos, photos, or personal experiences. Simply lightly breathe on your keyboard and hit enter. The last thing we want in this Facebook group is activity. Why the fuck do you think we’re here?
Do not talk about this Facebook Group. If we hear that someone heard about this group through you, you will be banned for life from this group as well as all public pools in your county of residence.
Be kind and treat everyone with respect. Unless you’re an admin. Then go apeshit.
Adhere to posting guidelines. Posts are only allowed in this group on every second Tuesday of every other month and if you can’t respect that, your content will be removed and we will drunk dial your ex using a clone of your cell phone.
Hashtag your posts, animals. If you don’t begin your posts with one of the suggested 23 hashtags we will wake you from REM sleep later that evening and ask you to correct your error.
No one named Edward is allowed in this group without prior consent of 7 out of 8 group admins.
No seeking, selling, surveys, or any other activities that begin curvy letters. If you need something, or even mildly want something, no.
All decisions final. If and when we reject your post or remove you from this group, please do not DM the admins of this group, email them personally, or ever look at them again in public. The uncertainty and confusion surrounding our decision will dissipate for you after awhile, we’ve heard.
Do not question the rules. While we understand that the violation of any of these rules is in no way an actual detriment to the group, we still enforce them in order to take ourselves seriously and also to have something to bitch about because life is going pretty great right now, honestly.
All rules mentioned above can be broken—just give us money. Partner with this Facebook group for a fee beyond your comfort level and you can post whatever the fuck you want, daddy.
Have fun! What else are Facebook groups for?