Originally published in June 2018
Having taken myself out of the game to pursue more logical and hopefully fruitful goals, I haven’t been dating in awhile. One of the benefits of being on the outside looking in, but not so far outside that I’m partnered and happy and only hanging out with couples now, is that I can recognize how played out certain parts of dating have become.
When we’re dating, we collect what our married friends charmingly call “horror stories,” but we never do anything about them. We never put a foot down, because we always have hope that if we just keep trying, this horror story will be our last. We assume that this is the way dating is and yes, it will come with some experiences we have to pretend never happened to preserve sanity. But I’m not dating right now, I’m reflecting on dating, I’m listening to stories of others still up to their ears in muck, and I am so over it.
There are a few dating practices that the modern, app-centric dating age has afforded single men, particularly those living in New York. Certain realities have given way to certain behaviors that, while abhorrent, we’ve just considered part of what “happens now.” But at what point are these behaviors just…old? At what point does being a douchebag fall out of style, I ask you? Guys, you’ve had your fun, but enough of this mess.
#1. You know that thing where a guy will lose all interest in a woman after he has sex with her? That shit is done. Over. Fin. Both the men who do this right away and also the men who insert themselves into women’s lives for weeks and then ghost like a cockroach under artificial light, neither of these horse poop methods are acceptable ways to behave as a human. They never were, but now they’re just really old fashioned. Here’s a cool idea: Moving forward, let a woman know up front that you’re only interested in sleeping with her once and then never having contact again, rather than doing this beguiling bullshit dance that gives her the impression that you’re genuinely interested in her. We aren’t delicate little pixies you have to trick and convince to get our legs to open. The truth is more effective than your deception. It wastes your time, our time, and honestly it’s so 2011.
#2. Also that thing where if a woman goes on vacation or on a business trip, a guy will lose all interest in her? Like how if I have to hear one more story about how one more woman had to constantly delight and excite a man to hold onto his attention my eyes will roll so far back into my head that I can see a time when we had a sane President? We’re done with that garbage, too. I get that it’s tough to remember a woman when she leaves town for a week, much less retain any kind of interest in something that isn’t dangling in front of your face at all times like a cat with a ribbon and a feather, but it’s time to try. If we’re dating you before our trip to Toronto, we will be dating you after, too. Stop pretending regular short term travel is embarking on a voyage to discover new land. We’ll be right back, you moron.
#3. Along the same lines as #s 1 & 2, that thing where instead of just saying that they don’t want to see a woman anymore, a guy will only respond with five hour delays and one or two word answers in the hope that the woman will just “get the message.” We get the message, tool, we just don’t get why you can’t actually communicate it, and why you have to hide behind insufferable behavior. This behavior is ancient. Your immaturity was never charming, but now it’s like you’re the college dude still hanging out with high school kids. Move. The. Fuck. On.
#4. Next, that thing where the only time dates are suggested or scheduled is when a woman handles everything? Fuck right off with that nonsense. It is done. Stop only meeting women who fall in your lap. Exert some modicum of effort and meet a woman halfway. You are not, and never were, a king. You’re just another face we swiped through and we’re not excited about you yet, either. Let’s both put in a little effort and see if we can be excited about each other after we meet. Because when a woman has to take care of everything, she’s going into meeting you already assuming that you’re lazy and entitled. Let’s stop meeting each other at a deficit. It’s been done.
#5. That thing where guys just ain’t shit. Starting today, we’re going to try. We’re going to put forth effort. The melted lipgloss in the pocket approach to dating isn’t going to fly anymore. We’re not going to keep going out on date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date after date hoping that during one of these lukewarm meetings, sparks will fly. Online dates don’t spark, because there’s no energy there. Guys, it’s time to put forth some effort. Look good. Be charming. Fucking try. Your ain’t shit strategy is out of style, and you look ridiculous. Be a human goddamn being and realize that you might be sitting next to a woman who could massively enhance your life, if you try even a little bit to enhance her evening.
Twenty years ago today, Sex & The City premiered and shed light on the realities of dating, a kind of dating that happened so long ago it doesn’t exist anymore. Dating has been evolving and changing ever since, but the bullshit behaviors of men living in the land of plenty are apparently quite comfortable living in the basement forever. It is a new era, a new time, and a new reality. I think we should date like it.