Originally published November 2021.
By now we’ve established that I use our internet to air grievances in a way that is fiscally beneficial. “May whatever hurts my feelings make me money” is not only a motto, it’s a tax bracket. I have one small addendum to this adage, and that is, “If you hurt the feelings of a single woman and I hear about it, I’ll not only make money off your foul manners, I might also spend it.” Anyway I just bought my first-ever Costco membership, the purchase was inspired by someone bullying my people, and I’d like to tell you about it.
I recently received an email from a podcast listener of mine who is single. She shared an experience she had at Costco. She’d been shopping there, minding her own business and deftly maneuvering a shopping cart the size of teenaged rhinoceros when she saw an acquaintance of hers. This of course is my nightmare, but she had manners and said hello. As the two were speaking, the acquaintance looked inside my listener’s cart and noticed a quite large bunch of bananas, as the only quantity of bananas sold at Costco is “quite large.” Upon seeing the fruit, the acquaintance looked down her nose and said:
“Single people shouldn’t have Costco memberships.”
Holy. Spirit. Activate. If I’d overheard this conversation, this acquaintance would have met the business end of a 5-pound bag of lemons straight to the kisser, so perhaps it’s for the best that I was not present at the time. My listener, who didn’t deserve once ounce of this, wrapped up her polite chat and went home to make smoothies with her bananas and if you’re wondering, she used every last one. Because as it turns out, single people do actually know how to shop for themselves. Bitch.
It’s the dismissal for me. The, “You shouldn’t be in the place you’re currently in, because you don’t deserve smart deals on food and sundries unless you have a spouse and/or offspring. You don’t qualify, you aren’t enough to be here. Please abandon your cart immediately and go pay more at Kroger where you belong, peasant.”
Single people shouldn’t have Costco memberships. Fuck immediately off! Reducing single people to a cohort of humans who couldn’t possibly use Costco quantities because they’re so alone in this life is, among other atrocities, antiquated behavior. Did this human barnacle go home and churn her own butter later that afternoon before lighting the evening lamps, too?
If you’re a single person, I’m sorry you have to deal with situations like this. I’m sorry people look at you, at your life and the actions you take, and impart their superiority and judgments upon you because our world doesn’t hold single as sacred. We only hold married or partnered as sacred, as worthy of respect and privacy, and as insulated from insulting commentary on topics that are none of our business. I’m sorry singles are open season for saying whatever bullshit springs to mind. We don’t deserve it, but more importantly, most if not all of it is factually wrong and you don’t have to let it slide.
Of course single people should have Costco memberships. I’ll do you one more and say we’re actually the only ones who deserve them. You think your life is expensive? Try not splitting it you acidic, gaping wound of a person. Couples split rent, mortgages, bills, vacations, the cost of gifts, the mental load of running a household (lol I’ve seen these husbands, no they fucking don’t), pet costs, transportation costs, you name it, they’re splitting it or getting a tax advantage for it. Who actually deserves to save a little coin on a multipack of razors, I ask you?
Assuming someone doesn’t need “that much” of something because they’re single reduces what we are to a level of lessness that I am done with. It is enough of being viewed as unfinished, unwanted, or somehow doing things wrong simply because we’re single. We couldn’t all get shitfaced and hook up with the cute guy in marketing six Christmas parties ago Audrey, that was your path in life—this is ours.
Is there not a drop of sensitivity or perspective in these people? It can actually be really hard to meet someone as a single adult. And forget romantic partners, it’s even hard to make new friends! And through friends is how most of you met your romantic partners! Particularly as you get older and don’t have children, which is how all parents make friends once they have kids. You know I’m fucking right. Because having friends with kids who play with your kids is more convenient than having friends who don’t have kids so all of you shift off into groups of parent-friends and leave your single friends at home to see your group photos on Instagram and feel like we don’t qualify anymore. We’re scootched to the side of life to make way for people in pairs and little families because those make people feel all warm and fuzzy inside whereas a single woman on her own really just drags down the mood, you know?
If anyone deserves discount wine, it’s singles. It’s the ones that make for odd numbers at tables and for some reason that makes everyone feel awkward, who get sad head tilts and frowned mouths whenever they’re spoken of, who in the minds of couples are somehow lesser in life status than those who just happened to agree to have sex with only each other from now on. I am exhausted. I am exhausted with the outdated notion that a single person isn’t real yet. A household with one person living in it is full, it contains a family, and it needs a freezer full of affordable veggie burgers and emergency goat cheese you assholes.
All that this rude, superior-feeling being did at the end of the day was turn one more single person into a card-carrying member of Costco. ME. Inspired by this listener’s email, I bought a membership, I went to Costco, and I bought two giant bags of the coffee I use every day for a price so cheap it was the equivalent of getting about four normal-sized bags of it for free. Single people shouldn’t have Costco memberships. Coupled people shouldn’t have mouths from which to speak, but I keep my offensive thoughts to myself. I have manners.
It’s really important for singles to know that they don’t have to be sweet when people say things like this. There’s no need to act as a human shock absorber for other people’s rudeness. It’s okay to fire back when they fire first. Here’s what I would have said to an acquaintance who said this to me, feel free to customize it to suit your purposes.
“Actually, single people should have Costco memberships, because we’re FULL PEOPLE, and Costco helps us save money the same way it helps you save money. We buy the things we need at a more affordable price by buying them in bulk. Is it the bulk part that worries you? Do you think I’m buying things that I’m just going to waste because I couldn’t possibly finish them before they rot? Do you think I don’t know how food works? Do you think I’m just frivolously choosing to do my shopping in a freezing warehouse? Do you think I find this lighting flattering? My purchases aren’t a waste, just as I am not a waste. Me stopping to speak to a person who still thinks single women are pathetic rejects of society while completely ignoring the fact that marriage doesn’t actually anoint you in any real way other than ways we’ve completely made up was a waste—of my time. You’re wearing a wedding ring, not a fucking crown, Donna. Now piss off to frozen foods you narrow minded nitwit and leave our valid, whole, free single lives out of your mouth.”
I go to Costco for the same reason you do. The samples. Goodbye.