Originally published October 2021.
New ideas are tough, I get it. An entirely fresh concept entering your brain is likely to be attacked by existing beliefs like your body’s defending itself against some kind of germ. But my god, the resistance to even entertaining the thought that loving singlehood is not the same thing as being anti-relationship is starting to be a real kick in the shins. If I had a nickel for the number of times people have assumed I’m anti-relationship because I believe single people deserve to be happy and enjoy this time in our lives, I’d have a fuckton of nickels you guys.
It’s a very annoying binary. By assumption, in our society, you can either be pro relationship, pro dating, pro single women exhausting themselves and putting themselves in the path of disappointing behavior at best and dangerous behavior at worst, OR you’re like… fuck relationships, I’m choosing the single life forever, I’m marrying myself.
Y’all this is nonsense.
Who said?Who said we have to be in one camp or the other, with no other camps available?As far as I know, our belief systems around relationships have no authoritative governing body apart from our own narrow-ass perspectives.You are not required to choose whether you love singlehood OR love relationships. You can actually respect and love both. That is allowed.
I am in favor of singles, particularly single women who have historically been shamed for singleness in ways men can’t fathom, living happily during their singlehood, for however long it lasts. I am in favor of our lives being seen as valid, and being treated with respect. And yet just because I believe these very harmless, human things, I’m seen as someone doesn’t believe in love.
It’s by default! Oh, you want single women to love their singlehood? You must hate relationships! Witch! It’s so asinine. Did I say I hate relationships? Or did I say I think human beings deserve to be happy even if they’re not in one? Honestly bro how dependent are you on your relationship to make you a valid person? This lumping of unrelated scenarios together reeks of fragility to me.
I no longer care how I’m seen, I care more about the singles who read my work and get to maybe feel a bit better afterward, so come forth with your narrow minded judgments, assume I want to destroy the fabric of society simply because I want single women to enjoy waking up in the morning. Opinions of the couple-centric set no longer impact my day.
Another fun fact about me: I also want a relationship and look forward to being in one someday. Love sounds great! Companionship sounds awesome! And sex on a regular basis with someone I know and trust instead of someone who will forget my name by the time his Uber arrives sounds, quite frankly, sublime. Look at that: I believe in enjoying singlehood, and I want a relationship, too. Easy.
It’s possible for me to look forward to all of these things and still be happy even though I don’t have them yet. It is possible to want things, without desperately longing for them. To look forward to things, and not view the present version of your life as lacking without them. It’s also possible to look at the single people you know as valid, complete, whole human beings who don’t have to hate their singlehood in order to be understood or accepted. We rely too narrowly on the sad single woman narrative, and we judge the version of a single woman who is confident and content, assuming she shuns the very notion of love. Maybe she just doesn’t believe she deserves to be miserable. We get to stop assuming that the default version of singlehood has to suck.
Let’s notice what loving singlehood is saying, but also what it’s not saying. It’s possible for positive narratives and beliefs about the happiness and validity involved in singlehood to say absolutely nothing about your relationship, Greg. Unless my single joy triggers you in some way, in which case…that’s your homework, not mine.
It is both possible and necessary to view loving singlehood and loving love as two things that can coexist within the same person at the same time. Assumptions around singlehood are legion, and honestly you guys I think this is pretty easy one to throw in the bin. Appreciating and valuing our single time does not automatically imply that we are also anti-relationship, choosing singlehood, “marrying ourselves” whateverthechrist that means, or suggesting that your relationship is worth less than our singlehood. Both scenarios are equal, that’s the point.
I love singlehood. I think I’ll love being in a relationship, too. What I don’t love, and won’t stomach anymore, are narrow views about what my happy singlehood advocacy supposedly implies. Break apart two things that never went together in the first place. This is a really easy homework assignment. And the next time you see someone who is happily, contentedly single, recognize that their joyful existence isn’t saying anything about relationships at all.