Originally published in May 2021
When I tell people I work in the singlehood space, I think they assume my career must have something to do with dating. Because everything that has to do with single women must be about dating, right? I mean my god dating is probably the only activity I’ve ever actually seen a single woman do in media and popular culture other than work, you know…so that she can afford to keep dating. In reality, the work that I do is one thing for single women that doesn’t focus on dating. It does however focus on literally everything else.
There is a wider world beyond the complete centering of dating in single women’s lives, but that doesn’t mean that it’s free of hot trash incoming. We have friends, family members, colleagues, hair stylists—there are all sorts of people in our orbit. Sometimes, these people like to tell single women things that they have extracted directly from their own assholes. Sometimes when they say things to single women casually, in passing, and with good intentions, they’re actually bullying single women into further shame and hatred of our single state.
This isn’t out of nowhere. I recently received an email from a podcast listener, and while I tried to finish reading it without crying, I failed. This woman described a scenario where she went out on a first date with a man who was kind and respectful, but for whom she felt no desire. She was coerced into going on a second date with him by her friends and family, even though her own feelings and intuition told her not to. Those around her made her a) feel terrible about herself for “letting this chance go,” and “self-sabotaging,” accusing her of only liking “jerks,” and b) they made her question her own fucking feelings. Thankfully, there was no third date, because she is an autonomous being capable of deciding the course of her own life. Also maybe because she listens to my podcast pats self on back.
If you’re a single woman who’s reading this, you never have to force yourself to like someone just because they’re there. Kindness and respect are not sacred treasures, they’re the bare minimum requirements. They don’t make a man a “catch,” they make him a human being. Anyone who is trying to shame and belittle you into thinking you should be grateful for the bare minimum is someone who is bullying you, and who is in dire need of an education into the consequences of their own behavior.
If you’re reading this because a single woman sent it to you, and you’re the one who needs the lesson, before you keep reading, ask yourself if you settled for your partner. Ask yourself how you’d feel if someone pointed out how relieved they are for you that you settled. Then ask yourself how that might make you feel. Then imagine going through those feelings for years on end as a single woman currently living and dating in our society. Then, keep reading asshole. We’re not done.
Below, I will spell out very clearly three subtle ways single woman are bullied, often without the bully even realizing they’re doing it. If you think I should cut these bullies some slack because they don’t actually know the harm they’re causing, your opinion is valid, but it’s the opposite of mine. Single women have born the brunt of other people’s ill behavior for quite long enough, thanks.
“Take What You Can Get” Energy
It’s not all dick pics and dismissive, misogynist texts on dating apps, no no. Single women are taking in a variety of messages and energies from their entire environment, not just the one that lives in their phone and charges them money for the chance in hell it’ll give them a parter. “Take What You Can Get” Energy is the assumed negative filter that single women in our society are perceived through, such that people interacting with single women approach us as if any opportunity to end our singlehood should be an opportunity we not only accept, but also express gratitude for. Regardless of whether or not that opportunity is one we want. We’re not only groomed to take what we can get, but to say thank you for it, too.
If she doesn’t like him, she doesn’t like him. That’s it. A single woman’s lack of desire for whatever man happens to be in front of her is not a character flaw. It’s not something that can be shamed into changing. A woman’s lack of feelings for a man is not her wrongdoing, her too-quick judgment, or “the reason why she’s single.” To suggest otherwise says that you believe what women want doesn’t matter as much as whether or not women are single. A bit of news: Being single isn’t the worst goddamned thing a woman can be. Far from it.
As far as I know, single men aren’t made to feel like they’re in the wrong when they don’t like a woman. Instead they’re turned into charming little hashtaggy colloquialisms like ghosts or fuckbois. We never ask them to change their minds, or to force feelings upon themselves, we just assume they’ll move onto someone they like more. Because we assume single men have endless options, and single women have none. As if there is that big of an actual population disparity on our planet.
Are you tired of hearing about our bad dates, is that it? Are you justso overnothing ever being positive that you choose to bully a single women into forcing feelings upon herself just so you don’t have to be bored at brunch?If you’re tired of hearing about them, imagine how tired we are of attending them. Imagine how tired we are of never meeting someone we actually fucking feel something for while watching all of you post photos of your stupid left hands on Instagram.(That awkward left hand in front of the lens pose you use to show off your engagement rings makes you look like you’re displaying a sparkly spatula, please stop.)Your exhaustion pales in comparison to ours andsometimes when we tell you about our dating experiences, we don’t need advice, we just need a friend. If you can’t be that person it’s okay to say so, butit’s never okay to belittle a single woman by making her feel like she should be grateful for something she doesn’t want.That’s called settling for scraps, and if you wouldn’t want to do it, don’t ask a single woman to.
“I Just Want You To Be Happy” Energy
“I just want you to be happy” is often the defense against the dark arts that loved ones deploy any time they want us to want something but we don’t. The trouble here is loved ones see anything in a single woman’s vision as a viable option, simply because it exists. Very little evidence is needed of anything more than a pulse in order for a single woman’s friends and family to feel she should really “give it another chance.” The absence of single woman’s feelings for or attraction to whatever’s in front of her is such a disappointment, because they think she’s throwing away a golden opportunity (any opportunity is apparently golden when you’re single), and “they just want her to be happy.” Really?
When someone says they just want you to be happy via something that you’ve already told them would make you unhappy, that’s bullying. That means they don’t actually want you to be happy, they want themselves to be right. It’s a narrow view of the world that thinks being single is worse than being in a feelings-less relationship. It’s a view that values single women less than single men. And it’s a view that centers what someone else wants while dismissing the wants of a single women. You just want single women to be happy? Prove it. Stop making us feel so fucking small.
Not to leave you without actionable advice, the next time a single women tells you she went on a date and didn’t feel anything, just let her know you’re sorry it worked out that way, and that you hope next time will be better. Then see if she wants to go a movie or something and be her friend.
“You’re Not Getting Any Younger” Energy
One way that “I Just Want You To Be Happy” Energy is backed up is with all of the charming reasons advice-givers give for why they want us to settle and the notion that if we don’t settle, we’re idiots. It’s how they get around the cute little problem of having not settled themselves, while simultaneously believing that you should. You are single longer in time than they are. They’re not single (in this moment, check those divorce rates, kids) therefore they’re right, and you’re wrong. You’re both aging, but only the single woman’s aging counts, because she hasn’t saved herself from (one form of) the shame of aging via marriage.
Age is always equated with a decrease in a single woman’s value. There are a lot of reasons this societal practice can eat glass, but my favorite, perhaps often overlooked fact, is that there are really only about ten years in the life of a single woman—let’s say 24–34 (it’s really 24–29 but okay)—that are viewed as valid, valuable, societally blessed years of a single woman’s life, despite the fact that most women will make it to about 80 barring a tragedy of some kind. All this life we get to live, and we only get to avoid agist societal shame for a handful of them. This…this feels unfair.
“You’re Not Getting Any Younger” Energy is simply a form of pressure used to make single women feel ashamed and small and behind in some way, such that we feel compelled to settle for less, faster. And while it’s true that we’re not “getting any younger,” like going in reverse is an option, we really have a lot of work to do on aging actually being a positive thing—and well before the “wise elderly woman” narratives kick in. I’m 38 years old today, and I don’t know about you, but 28-year-old me was dumb as bricks. I am so deeply grateful that I didn’t meet and marry someone ten years ago sometimes it actually makes me feel a little scared, like I dodged a bullet. There is value in aging, there is wisdom and experience in it. Things like wisdom and experience help you in relationships (of all kinds) because you get better at knowing how to treat other people, and you get better at recognizing how you deserve to be treated yourself. Why would we cut that opportunity short for someone we’d have to force ourselves to feel something for?
We have to stop making single women feel like being single is wrong, and like their singlehood is their fault. Something that isn’t wrong can’t be anybody’s fault. It certainly can’t be the reason that a single women should fake her feelings for someone, or force herself to spend time with someone she’s not interested in for the sake of not throwing away an “opportunity.” We’re not asking for “fireworks” on every date. We’re asking for feelings, and that’s different. If you think that’s asking too much, you need to go sit in the corner and think about how you view single women.
It’s okay to meet a nice, respectful guy and feel nothing for him. It’s okay to never see him again. It’s okay to trust how you feel, and ignore those who would shame you into “judging them too quickly” or “just give it another chance.” Your feelings matter, and in dating, your feelings matter more than the trite opinions of anyone who is not living your actual life. Also, the person who’s in front of you right now who you feel nothing for is most certainly not the last person you’re ever going to meet. Perhaps life is not withholding a partner from you, perhaps your intuition and feelings are protecting you from being with the wrong people.
Back to those who bully: If you think single women are single because they won’t settle, and they should settle, you’re looking at the wrong side of the equation. Why does single women not settling upset you, as opposed to the fact that they meet so many men that men they’d have to settle for? Why do we ask women to lower their standards rather than asking men to raise their game? Half a drugstore is dedicated to the beautification and presentation of women to the world. Guys basically have soap. Don’t talk to me.
I’ve been a bullied child, a bullied employee, a bullied friend, and a bullied single. I know bullying when I smell it, and I don’t want single women stepping in this bullshit. I don’t want an entire community of valid human beings to be made to feel small because we don’t appear grateful enough for things we don’t want. It’s okay to not force a second date upon yourself. You aren’t doing anything wrong. Instead, you’re honoring your feelings and intuition, and understanding that those are valuable, valid things that can’t possibly “keep you single.” Your singlehood isn’t something that’s wrong, and forcing yourself to be with someone you don’t actually want will never be right. Bullies aren’t the ones who would have to live through the feelings-less relationships you settled for because you didn’t want to face their shame. Your life will always matter more than their opinions. If those who care about you can’t see why, that’s a shame.