Originally published in January 2021
Behold the end of an era. The smoke and mirrors era of the “Nice Guy.” We, and by we I mean single, straight, actively dating women, have known they don’t exist for eons, but now, thanks to Promising Young Woman, the world can catch up. Promising Young Woman is a film by Emerald Fennell and it’s the first one I’ve watched in my lifetime that has portrayed straight men in their 20s and 30s with any shred of accuracy. Every guy is a “nice guy,” until he can’t have what he wants the way he wants it, and then he’s every man in this film. Does Promising Young Woman take things to extremes? Sure. But they have, too.
This is a film about revenge, revenge for the things that people let slide, because we were drunk, because that’s just “the way things are now,” or any other reason that makes it easier for everyone to keep contributing to their 401Ks. It is two hours of everything you’ve ever wished you could do but don’t because you’re scared for your safety, which proves the whole fucking point. I thought I was pretty good at calling out bullshit but my god, Emerald takes the biscuit.
The basic premise is that men see drunk women as easy targets, they know it’s wrong to pursue these easy targets and indulge themselves in their bodies without consent or consciousness. They know it’s wrong, but they do it anyway, up until the moment they realize they haven’t gotten away with it. The moment they realize there are consequences. It’s the reveal for me. The fear, the horror on the faces of men who thought they were going to have easy access to free vagina and then suddenly see they’ve been called on their criminality. The FEAR! It was so sweet, so divine. Bathe me in it.
Men operate in the dating world free of consequences. Swipe how you want, ignore how you want, message how you want, meet how you want, ghost how you want, use how you want, disappoint how you want. There’s very little a man can’t do or certainly say to a single women in the dating space that will come with any actual consequence of any kind. I’ve had men, literal strangers, ask me in their first app message if I will just…give them oral sex. What made them think that they could? What made them think that was an option available to them? You don’t go to a grocery store and ask them to change your oil. Men treat women like lower, servile life forms in the dating space because they know they fucking can. And you wonder why I fell in love with a movie about revenge.
I’ve said this for years and I still mean it: Tinder is a free whorehouse*, a place where men can ask for anything they want without caution or shame, and the women on the receiving end just have to take it, because the message was sent. They had to receive it, because a man chose to send it. We don’t get to approve offensive communication before it arrives, we only get to block it afterward. There’s nothing in place to stop men from leading with terrible behavior. And that’s just what happens before we meet them in person.
(*I respect sex work and think and it should be both legal and regulated for physical safety and for the long-term financial security of sex workers.)
From the opening khakis, I knew I was going to like this film. I knew from the moment “nice guy” Seth from The O.C. turned out to be what men turn out to be that I was actually going to love it. Men will look Carey Mulligan’s leading role in this film and see someone who’s crazy. Women will look at her see a natural reaction. They will see her as a natural, long-overdue consequence.
Movies that feature young, attractive, witty, charming, actively dating young men and women are never telling the truth. The meet cutes and whatnot, they’re lies, but we still make movies full of them because that’s an easy scenario to want for yourself. We like it. It’s nice. It’s what we want. And like…it’s just a nice guy, we’re not asking for much. So single and actively dating young women walk into their hopeful romantic futures expecting something nice, and instead get slapped across the face (hopefully not literally, but…) with the reality that those tall, cute, smart, impressively employed Bo Burham’s are all going to be the same self-serving assholes in the end. They’ll be witty and charming over coffee but won’t actually give a shit about what men put women through or how women feel about what’s been visited upon them. All they actually care about is that their lives are not inconvenienced in any way.
The impact that the behaviors of men has on women is never something men have to think about, because they never have to endure consequences for it. Until this film. Also, off topic, but I want my house in real life to look like Cassie’s mom’s house in this movie. Am I weird?
For years, I have wanted consequences. I have wanted the man sending crude, unwelcome messages to get banned from all dating apps for life. I’ve wanted the men who pursue (and pursue, and pursue) women only to disappear completely after using her for the space between her legs for 20 minutes to face some kind of consequence for their behavior. I’ve wanted the the men who string women (and god knows how many of them) along with a text every now and then just to keep his roster warm to have billboards with their names and employer’s contact information wallpapered across Times Square. But I never get it. Nothing ever happens to them. They get to keep being themselves, and we have to keep receiving whatever it is they want to give us. Tomorrow marks two years since I deleted all my dating apps and removed myself from the mouth of the lion. This is why.
Bo Burnham’s character in Promising Young Woman is my favorite. There’s always one like him, the one who heals her. The one who takes a woman understandably (to other women, not to men, plz) hardened against even the idea of letting someone get close to her and makes up for all the bastards she’s ever had to deal with by being one “nice guy” in the bunch. Movies and television love to portray a Seth Cohen, a Pacey Witter, a Bo Burnham. Promising Young Woman didn’t lie about him though.
Here’s how I know Promising Young Woman is telling the truth, perhaps in a way truth has never been told: If you’re a man, and you’re reading this right now, and there’s a comment bubbling up inside you, if you can’t go on with your life without leaving it, without mansplaining or attacking me in some capacity, or saying, “great article, but here’s where you went wrong.” If you can’t just walk away from something because it isn’t what you want it to be, if you simply have to respond in order to have things your way, you prove my point. Emerald proved hers better, but I like to think I gave a it a good try.
And if you’re wondering, hey Shani, by your logic here, all men are shit. Should women just give up on all men? I mean what’s the solution here? Obviously not all men are shit. I think. What I really mean to say is that women shouldn’t have to deal with the ones that are shitty as a natural reality of still believing that one of them, somewhere, someday, won’t be. I’m tired of women having to enter the lions den on the chance that there’s a tame one inside. From now on the nice guys, if they exist, can come and fucking find us.
Stream Promising Young Woman wherever you want. Yes, it’s worth it. Revenge usually is.