Originally published in February 2021
So you guys, I know you’ve seen these leggings everywhere, they’re going crazy viral right now. They’re the “butt scrunch” leggings that make your butt look basically like regulation size sporting equipment regardless of your natural shape or proportions which are probably not good enough anyway. Also the fact that you just read the words “butt scrunch” leggings means you’ll be getting my affiliate ads for “butt scrunch” leggings for the next 7–10 days, with a repeat retargeting sometime in May just for kicks. Or you could just buy them using my link now and save yourself the hell of me controlling what you see for my own financial gain. ANYWAY.
I’ve been hearing so many good things about these leggings, and because all my husband and I talk about anymore is our budget for the new boiler because ours broke even though that cunt of a real estate agent said it was only five years old when we bought our starter house, I decided to film his reaction. I love finding ways to spice things up!
Instead of just being an actual fucking adult and asking my husband to give me his honest thoughts on my new super cute “butt scrunch” leggings, I decided to see if he’d notice them without me saying anything. Because if I want my husband to notice me, I have to do something super sexual and physical instead of just asking for the attention and affection that makes me feel desired by the man I desire, am I right ladies? Mature communication is so boring. Also boys love sex! SO…
I carefully set up a camera in the kitchen, and washed my dishes with my new Sploosh Dish Soap hashtag sponsored but like no I really love it, and waited for him to walk in the kitchen and ask where something is instead of just looking for it himself. I was so excited to see if he’d notice my “butt scrunch” leggings.
But…he didn’t. He just like…walked in the kitchen, took one of the clean glasses I’d just washed with my new Sploosh Dish Soap hashtag sponsored, didn’t even dry it, filled it up with the warm running water from the tap, drank it, and then put it down on the counter with all the clean glasses. After that he went back in the spare bedroom slash my content studio and went back to work as a business development manager for a business development startup. TBH I don’t really know what he does but he’s listening to a lot of Jack Johnson in there.
I like, put so much effort into this relationship. I even paid for OVERNIGHT shipping for my “butt scrunch” leggings because 48 hour free Amazon shipping is TOO SLOW for me to find out if I can get my husband to notice me physically! How dare he not have precisely the reaction that these leggings were specifically engineered to produce from super basic patriarchy lemmings so that I could post MY husband reaction video to the “butt scrunch” leggings with all the other ones?!
So this is my tutorial on how to total your husband’s car when he doesn’t help you produce viral content that validates you:
First: You don’t even have to wait until he’s sleeping. Just like literally right now grab a set of car keys from the entryway table you found at Crate & Barrel (it’s out of stock right now, but if you scroll down you’ll see three very similar dupes — affiliate links!) and drive away in his car. He will assume it’s yours until the 14-year-olds he’s playing video games with in Ohio have to go have dinner with their parents.
Next: Make sure you drive past a construction site, and grab a few bricks or like one large cinder block. The people working there will totally let you, remember, you’re wearing “butt scrunch” leggings! This is what we’ll use to hold the gas pedal down while we remain safely outside the car that’s about to burst into flames.
Pro tip: Don’t drive too far away from your house, you’ll want to be able to walk back home and obviously it would be great if he could see the smoke billowing on the horizon.
Then: Pick your spot, preferably a tree in a lightly wooded area but a sturdy pole in a sparsely populated region will work in a pinch. It’s best if the car has to take a downward trajectory, so I love a good ravine when I can find one. Put the car in park roughly 500 feet from your target, then place the cinder block on the gas pedal. Make sure you’ve already grabbed your vegan leather bag from the passenger seat, you don’t want to lose that because the trade-in value on Poshmark is amazing right now.
Pro tip: Bring your tripod and ring light with you. You’ll want to set these up roadside so that you capture every moment. Bonus points for multiple camera angles!
Last: Carefully put the car in drive as you’re standing outside the car (this is important to avoid death), quickly let go of the gear shift, and enjoy! It’s best to do this on a sunny day for good lighting—I even saw this one girl one time managed to do it with a rainbow in the background. #Goals.
So that’s my tutorial! It’s a super easy way to avoid dealing with insecurity and inflict the maximum amount of emotional impact on your husband while ignoring the fact that your finances are inextricably intertwined. That’ll teach him to notice something I haven’t asked him to notice but just assumed he would notice because men are simple sexual beings who respond to stimulus like dogs or lab mice. Bye guys, make sure to like and subscribe!