One Internet A**hole’s Guide To Finding A Husband

Originally published in April 2020.

I was so worried I wouldn’t have anything to write about this quarantine season, but wouldn’t you know, the Universe provides. In recent years, I’ve been a bit vocal about how maybe being a single woman over 30 isn’t a bad thing, and is instead just…a thing that’s possible to be. I’ve made it my work to elevate the societal opinion of single women, which isn’t hard since the current opinion of us is too low to ride most roller coasters.

Every so often though, my message does not compute. Now and again someone comes across my work, sees the search term “single woman,” and assumes that must mean I’m struggling to land me a husband. They further assume I’m doing work to land a husband at all. Bless their hearts.

While I fear for their reading comprehension levels, I also recognize that educating them is not my responsibility or apocalypse hobby of choice. Rather, when they reach out to me with trashfires like the one you’re about to read, I choose instead to tell the whole internet what they did like the glorious tattle tale I am.

What follows is a real email, from a real person, and I’ve left their real name in the salutation because you know what, fuck this guy.

Dear Shani:

If you really want to find a husband, I can tell you how to do it. Now I fear you might be offended, but I am really trying to be helpful.

I am explaining it from a man’s point of view and you would do well to keep this in mind.

So here goes:

1. Be feminine and wear dresses. And don’t complain or criticize. Please understand that men are turned off by masculine women. So get rid of every pant suit that you have and buy dresses.

2. Learn to cook. Men love it when women cook them delicious dinners. Trust me on this. Take cooking classes and learn to become a great cook.

3. Keep the house clean.

4. Be submissive. If you are loud-mouthed and argumentative, it makes no sense being with you. Being with an aggressive woman is almost like being with a man, and most men prefer women. And most gay men prefer men.

5. Never deny a man sex. When you reject a man sexually, he will simply find another woman and odds are she will be young and hot. And become a skilled and enthusiastic fellatrix — trust me that will go a very long way.

6. Consume only 1500 calories a day. Keep yourself slim and attractive and dont let yourself go.

7. Finally, when you find a man, remain loyal. Be faithful. And never, ever tell your man about your previous sex partners. Always maintain a chaste appearance. Remember, no man wants to marry a strumpet.

Maybe you won’t like my views, but trust me I know what my brothers want. Listen to me, take my advice and you will be happy.

Your friend

Mattias.

That really happened! Ladies, I know we don’t need me to break into each piece of this email, rip out its entrails, and roast them over coals to serve with a lovely spring salad, but allow me this indulgence, I’m bored. What follows is Mattias’ email, annotated for your reading enjoyment and my cathartic flaying.

Dear Shani:

If you really want to find a husband (I have never mentioned that I’m in search of one), I can tell you how to do it. (Rlly? Do you have one?) Now I fear you might be offended, but I am really trying to be helpful. (They’re so cute when they’re patronizing, don’t you think?)

I am explaining it from a man’s point of view and you would do well to keep this in mind. (If he’d said even just that to me in real life he’d have had a kick to the teeth. But let’s not stop him, he sounds so motivated, ladies!)

So here goes:

1. Be feminine and wear dresses. And don’t complain or criticize. (LOL, you mean like what I’m doing right now?) Please understand that men are turned off by masculine women. So get rid of every pant suit that you have and buy dresses. (You want to buy them for me, Daddy?)

2. Learn to cook. Men love it when women cook them delicious dinners. Trust me on this. Take cooking classes and learn to become a great cook. (I am a great cook, Mattias, and have been for years. I often think to myself what a dumbass my future husband is for not having located me sooner. The baked goods he’s missed out on, Mattias! The baked goods! BTW, shitbird, everyone loves it when anyone cooks them delicious dinners, and for any reason.)

3. Keep the house clean. (So you’re saying I should throw out my collection of rotting celery and all of my empty tampon applicators littering the floor? Damn, I’d just finished naming them.)

4. Be submissive. (When and where, Mattias? Because maybe I enjoy being submissive sexually but find being socially and professionally submissive degrading and inauthentic. Honestly man you could do with a bit more clarity to your arguments.) If you are loud-mouthed and argumentative, it makes no sense being with you. (I believe what you’re suggesting a man marry is a servant, but go on…) Being with an aggressive woman is almost like being with a man, and most men prefer women. And most gay men prefer men. (I’m very confused.)

5. Never deny a man sex. When you reject a man sexually, he will simply find another woman and odds are she will be young and hot. (Regardless of the way HE looks or….?) And become a skilled and enthusiastic fellatrix — trust me that will go a very long way. (Okay see here Mattias, we agree on the delightfulness of the skillset, but not the reason for developing it. And not one mention that the man should be reciprocally skilled. Pity. You might find it pretty hard to find a wife, Mattias, just sayin.)

6. Consume only 1500 calories a day. Keep yourself slim and attractive and dont let yourself go. (I’ll let myself go right to the fridge for grilled cheese ingredients Mattias, that’s where I’ll let myself go. Also, on behalf of every woman I’ve ever met or loved, go fuck yourself.)

7. Finally, when you find a man, remain loyal. (If he’s loyal, I’m loyal, Mattias. I believe in monogamy but also in mutuality. If he cheats on me, we can work through it together, but not before I’ve fucked someone in a band.) Be faithful. And never, ever tell your man about your previous sex partners. (I’m sure we’ll have plenty else to discuss, Matty.) Always maintain a chaste appearance. (TBH I would follow this man’s fashion blog in a heartbeat.) Remember, no man wants to marry a strumpet. (I actually did LOL at the use of “strumpet,” thank you for that brief moment of levity in an otherwise cripplingly revolting experience.)

Maybe you won’t like my views, but trust me I know what my brothers (Mattias.) want. Listen to me, take my advice and you will be happy.

Your friend (No you are not)

Mattias.

I thought, if I may, that I might respond to Mattias? Seems only fair.

Dear Mattias,

Given your proclivity for relationship advice, I assume you’re very well connected in the single man sphere. I wondered if I might trouble you for a classified listing, of sorts? I thought that might help me on the husband hunt front. When you have chance, I know misogyny is a full-time occupation, I wondered if you might put the word out to all of the single men in the world all of the things I have to offer. It’s tough out there, Mattias, help a girl out.

1. I love wearing pants of all kinds, but especially jeans. Well-fitting ones. Sure, they can be a little pricey some times, but what’s $90 for a priceless ass that piles of fresh feces such as yourself will never, ever enjoy the benefits of? I love wearing dresses too, you cunt.

2. Cooking and baking are some of my favorite hobbies. I’m looking forward to letting someone lick the spoon. Not you or anyone as shamefully, moronically, cluelessly confused and misguided such as yourself. But someone. Someday. I hope he’s tall.

3. I keep the house clean because that is how my cat likes it, are we clear?

4. I am submissive. And dominant. And many other ways of being. I’m the full spectrum of human emotion and personality. I know you prefer a more black and white approach to women, but I am colorful, baby. Colorful.

5. I’m willing to hear you out on the not denying a man sex thing. But only if when he denies me sex I get to roll him in honey and birdseed and put him in the yard.

6. As far as size, body type, weight, diet, etc., I maintain that you should be jailed for your thoughts, but for now let me just say that it’s quite clear I belong with a man who likes having his hands full.

7. As a monogamous woman, I am fully willing to display all of the loyalty that has been earned. And none of the loyalty that has been squandered. My prior sexual partners are my business and my business alone. Though I will reveal that you are not among their ranks. I’ll spill that tea.

In conclusion, I am many things. Many attractive things, and many unattractive things, the understanding of which is entirely in the eye of the beholder. As I behold myself, I’m a stone fox, and quite a catch, exactly as I am. I am quiet and I am loud. I am a caregiver and a protector. I am feminine and masculine. I am wisdom and love, ever-growing. And above all things Mattias, I am a writer, bitch. Don’t make us angry. We’ll make you famous.

xo

Shani