Originally published in September 2020.
I love recurring questions. Everyone having the same problem doesn’t stress me out, it makes me feel like I’m a part of a community. Oh, this is annoying for everyone? Thank goodness, I’m not alone. In the single space, the most recurring question I receive isn’t about dating, which is the go-to assumption when you look at…oh I don’t know, literally all content created for single people. The real question is: How do I make new friends?
We’re not in school anymore. We’re not obligated to go somewhere every day with a bunch of people in our own age bracket who are experiencing the same stage of life that we’re in. School provides common ground, but adulthood introduces variables and iPhones and distances us from each other. So it’s not any great mystery why in adulthood we all have so much damn trouble making new friends: We never really had to try before. Further, of all those classes they made us sit through, “how to form healthy, fulfilling relationships” wasn’t one of them.
On top of this skill set deficiency, friend retention gets more difficult with age. All kinds of adulthood eventualities separate us. Schedules get hectic. We spend more time with romantic partners and less time with friends. (It happens, it’s okay everyone, calm down.) We spend time with colleagues. We move. There’s a loss of shared perspective when one person has kids and the other doesn’t. Essentially…shit happens, and we don’t put our backs into friendships the way we used to. We haven’t done anything wrong, there’s no fault in simply living the natural course of our lives.
Singles, in particular, are susceptible to friendship droughts. As humans, we tend to befriend those who are in similar boats to ours, as shared experiences and perspectives bring people together. But we’ve all been in this life awhile, and we’ve all seen our pool of single friends dwindle over time, when people suddenly aren’t single anymore. Thus, your single friends are the only group of friends you have with a hole in the bucket. Replenishments are necessary. (This is also totally okay, it’s fine to make new friends when your single friends partner, that doesn’t mean you have to stop being friends with the partnered person, in fact I’d suggest the opposite.)
When you find yourself in adulthood and single, “how do I make new friends” is a really natural question to have. It’s also very common to have zero ideas about how to remedy this particular conundrum. I have lived this, intimately, and in service of a community I love, I give you my thoughts and guiding principles on how to make new friends as a single grown-up:
Set Your Intentions.
Why do you want to make new friends? Being intentional, and knowing why you want to make new friends, will be extremely helpful to you in locating them. It may also help you do some self work, as a bonus.
We all certainly want new friends because relationships are wonderful and it’s nice to have someone sitting on the other side of the table. But if the reason you want more friends is that you feel deeply uncomfortable when you don’t have plans or your phone isn’t lightning up every two minutes, it might be beneficial to dig into what you’re hoping to get out of these new friendships in the first place.
Are you looking for community, connection, and fun — or are you internal void-filling? Would you like to experience things together with people, or are you hoping to have “more going on” as a distraction? If there’s an internal void you’re trying to fill, or something you’re trying to distract yourself from, those might deserve your attention, too, because new friendships won’t fix them. Don’t give your new friendships the responsibility of “fixing” something about yourself or your current situation that you don’t like. It’s your job to look inward, and their job to show up to brunch. Don’t confuse responsibilities.
Friend abundance isn’t a prize, much like finding a partner isn’t a prize. Relationships of all kinds don’t complete us, they add to a life that is already complete, valid, and worthy. Approaching making new friends with the intention to add to your life, rather than complete it, is a solid starting point. Relationships and friendships are not the cake, you are the cake. They are the icing. If there’s no cake, icing is just a blob on a plate. That’s the end of this analogy.
Set Your Expectations.
Making new friends can be hard. Especially for those of us who are shy and uncomfortable reaching out to people. It can feel awkward, and it can take time to really develop overt effort toward friendship as a skill set. It’s okay that this feels weird. That doesn’t mean that you can’t or shouldn’t try to make new friends. It just means you should steady yourself a little bit for discouragement, because when something’s uncomfortable, we’re likely to give up at the first sign of resistance.
Understand that the first person you say hello to at yoga class might not be your new best friend, and that’s okay. Maybe that person was just a practice round for you, to see what it feels like to introduce yourself and make conversation with a stranger. That’s still a win.
Go into your efforts understanding that making new friends can take time, and practice. Understand also that it’s worth the time, practice, and effort that you put into this goal. You already know it is, because aren’t all the existing friends you have totally worth effort? (PS-if they’re not, maybe they don’t need to receive your effort anymore.)
Ways To Make New Friends
1 — Always carry a fully charged backup battery in your bag.
Highly specific, but effective. You never know when someone’s going to need a charge. In an elevator, at a coffee shop, on an airplane, never underestimate a human being’s inability to keep their phone at a useable battery volume. In their moment of need, in swoops you, ready and willing to help out. The added bonus is, it’s your charger, they can’t just scoot off with it, so they have to essentially hang out with you for however many minutes of battery life they’re gleaning from your supply. You have a captive audience, and an opportunity. Seize it. Other handy items to keep in your bag in the event of potential friendship: hand sanitizer, tampons, spare masks and gloves, mints, band aids, hair ties, granola bars. Generosity is a good first thing for them to know about you.
2 — Start a podcast.
Yes this is highly specific to me personally, but this shit works. I have made several IRL friends simply by starting a podcast that involves bringing on guests once a week. Because that means I speak to someone new once a week. It definitely helps that my podcast has a clear focus, and it’s one that sets a framework for common ground and understanding. In over 70 episodes, I’ve met some truly amazing human beings. Not all of them became my friends, but some have. This will still take effort on your part, in terms of following up, keeping in touch, and suggesting plans, but podcast friends most certainly count as real friends, and I’m very grateful that I’ve essentially set up my own pipeline for meeting new people. One of them is coming over for (very safe) rooftop drinks next week. I didn’t know her a year ago. Just sayin…
3 — Do a thing.
Join a league. Take class. DO SOMETHING. Friends do not just materialize in your living room by sorcery I am genuinely sorry to say. You’re going to have to put some work in here, but the cool thing is, that work can be a natural consequence of something else you already wanted to do. Therefore, even if you don’t make friends in pottery class, you made pottery in pottery class. When you do a thing you want to do that also involves other people being around, it’s a can’t-lose situation because you’re doing a thing you want to do regardless. Don’t think about the class or activity that will net you the most friends. Think about the activity that will net you the most joy. That way you’ll win no matter what, and this has the added benefit of placing you around people you already have something genuinely in common with, and you won’t have to fake an interest in tennis just to make a new friend.
4 — Tweet.
I’ve experienced it, I’ve seen it done. People meet on Twitter and become IRL friends. I’ve seen marriages that began on Twitter, too. Is Twitter a pit of hellfire and acid that needs to be powerwashed in Holy Water and sage? Yes. Is it also a place where people—gasp—like the same things sometimes?! Also yes. I connected with an IRL friend on Twitter while we were both live tweeting the red carpet arrivals at the Met Gala. Live tweeting in general is a fun time, and you definitely have something in common with everyone else who’s making you laugh with their witty banter and memes. Setting boundaries and expectations is also very key with Twitter, I advise you to remember that you don’t need to win or even engage in every single argument or disagreement that presents itself. It’s okay to just let shit slide, and move on to someone else who’s funny and chill. You decide how you engage on Twitter, remember that.
You can also join a Facebook or Slack group centered around something you like, or an area where you need support such as grief, recovery, etc., but be intentional, as it’s really easy to just comment back and forth with each other and let that be the extent of your connection. If you are comfortable with online-only friendships, great! But if you’re hoping for IRL friends too, know that you’ll have to add that layer of effort onto your Facebook connections as well.
5 — Ask existing friends for help.
Email, text, or call friends you already have and trust and let them know you are looking for new friends. Ask them if they know anyone they think you might get along with, and also ask for an email introduction. There is no weakness or flaw in asking for help. That doesn’t mean you love the friend you’re asking any less, it just means you are looking to add to your friendships. This is not an act of replacement, it is an act of networking. It’s also a really nice way to feel supported in your efforts, as I sincerely doubt anyone you reach out to will reply with negativity. And if they do, that person doesn’t need to be your friend at all, really.
Also, let’s normalize hanging out with a new friend that was introduced to you by a connective friend without the connective friend. That doesn’t mean you’re cheating on the connective friend, it just means you’re allowed to spend your time any way you want to, with anyone you want to, without constantly worrying that you’re hurting someone’s feelings. That’s no way to live, and if someone can’t be happy for your new friendship and considers it a personal affront, again…maybe they don’t need to be your friend. Spend your time with who you want, when you want, how you want, and anyone who has a problem with that can kick sand.
6 — Compliments, Kindness, Conversation.
I don’t care if you’re remarking on the weather in line for coffee or sliding into someone’s DMs. Silence never earned anyone a new friend. Again, TRY. Make an effort, take an action. Show yourself that doing new things is possible. We’re not all big talkers, I get that. But we’re also living in a digital age where a DM or an email is all it takes. The internet is like a bowling lane bumper for shy people. It gives us the support we need to try. If you feel comfortable talking in public, talk in public. Compliment someone’s shoes or bag. Ask someone if they like the book or magazine they’re reading, and why. Let someone who’s in a rush or looking frazzled cut in front of you in line somewhere. Be the friend you want to make, give the warmth you want to receive. Even if you don’t instantly make a new friend, you’ve still put some goodness out into the world, and I happen to believe that always comes back to you.
To conclude, the only way to not make a new friend is to not try to make a new friend. Pretty much everything else is on the table. Inaction isn’t introducing you to anyone. Be intentional, be patient, be kind. Know that you’re not alone, there are whole hosts of single people who feel like you do. Make friends with them, too, now that I think about it. Know that you are a whole, valid person who is worthy of friendship. Be kind, creative, and a little bit brave. Just some advice, between friends.