Originally published in January 2019
I work from home. I didn’t always. In prior times I commuted each day, trying my best to hold subway poles without coming into contact with other humans’ hair and toting around half the ground floor of a Walgreen’s in my backpack. But things have changed, and now I work from home, at my kitchen table. I’ve been at it for about four months now, and certain joys have revealed themselves. If you’re thinking of making a switch, may this literally be a light that leads you home. But know that soon I’ll also be writing 7 Inarguable Complaints About Working From Home to balance the universe out.
#1: No People. We’ll start with the obvious. At home, there are no people. I mean, have you seen people lately? Who needs ‘em! With the breathing and the talking and the smelly lunches, I’m over it. I like being home where there are no people other than this person, who I get along with quite well. I never annoy me, not ever.
#2 Musical Freedom. Today Weezer released a cover album and dammit if their take on “Africa” wasn’t a treat. The internet doesn’t quite agree with me in my love of this album, though why they think they’re too good for Rivers Cuomo’s take on “Stand By Me” I’ll ever know. Point is, I’ve been listening to this shit all day, not a headphone in sight. I didn’t have to tether myself to my laptop wearing a giant over-ear apparatus typically reserved for those dudes who wave the little lightsabers at the airport. I listened freely, with just my ears, thank you very much.
#3 My Toilet. If I never use an office restroom for the rest of my days that is just aces with me. Contorting myself to both avoid as much contact with surfaces as possible while also tiptoeing around the paperous leavings of female coworkers, I simply can’t ignore the truths of that hellscape anymore. Women are filthy, filthy! I prefer the privacy and cleanliness level of my own facilities, thank you.
#4 My Cat. At any time of day, literally whenever I want, I get to pet a cat. Snuggle a cat. Smoosh a cat’s face with kisses. Yes, yes your office’s dog policy is just lovely, but can a bitch get a cat? No! No I can’t! Because the world hides its canine favoritism behind claims of an allergy, so cats can’t come to offices. Hogwash. I’ll be at home with a cat on my lap and productivity in my outbox.
#5 Frugality. I drink iced coffee all day, all year. I’m the type. Out there, in the wild, I used to have to purchase my coffee. I don’t have to do that anymore. I make my iced coffee at home, by the pitcher, for pennies. What’s that? Bring coffee from home, did you say? Sure Susan, I’ll get right on that, and be just another shmuck dropping an entire container to the ground during a packed-subway abrupt stop, leaving my morning beverage to chemtrail down the length of the car, every passenger 100% convinced it’s pee.
I also make all of my own meals, because I work in my kitchen, and based on convenience alone, why wouldn’t I? I’ve been one of them, the $15 salad army. I’ve stood in those lines, eavesdropping into a finance bro conversations that make me wish we’d all taken courses on small talk in school. But no more! Now I meal plan, I grocery shop, and I save.
#6 Odd Hours Errands. Here’s a neat one. When you work from home, you can run errands whenever you want. Miss the crowds, with their synchronized, predictable commutes and grumpy, end-of-day snarls. Forget those Saturday shops, where if I’m not through the door by 10am the line will reach to Gowanus. I’m at the nail salon at 2pm on Tuesday and Trader Joe’s during the AM commute. Sailing up to the cash register like I own the joint. It’s brilliant.
#7 Conference Calls. Squish myself into a “phone booth” to take call? I don’t think I will, Karen. I don’t think I will. Seeing as how no one bothered to wire it for airflow or make it big enough to cross one’s legs, I think I’ll just stay here at my kitchen table with my phone on speaker, communicating effectively without feeling like I’m coming to you live from a coffin, thanks.
When my career first fell to ruins, and I realized I’d be making my way in this world from the command center that is a self-assembled table from Target with a view of nothing more than an airshaft, I was nervous. But I am happy to report that whatever work you do, if you can do it from home, there are several lovely reasons why you should. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go make whatever noise and whatever snack and whatever schedule choices I want. It ain’t a bad gig.