Originally published February 2023.
On February 9th, 2023, the New York Times, the real one, sent the following email subject line to subscribers: To fall in love with anyone, do this. It linked to the much (perhaps too much) celebrated piece from 2015, The 36 Questions That Lead to Love, on the topic of accelerating intimacy. Because that’s totally a thing you can do.
It’s the whole point, right? The point of being an alive adult is finding another alive adult to fall in love with? Maybe that’s fine, if you actually have someone to ask 36 questions to and that person is also willing to sit through such an activity. My work focuses on those who can’t find that person despite a population of humans threatening to burst the pant seams of the planet. And yet somehow I don’t think pieces like “36 Questions” are actually aimed at those with a conversation partner in mind. I think they’re meant for those who desire love in a world that refuses to cough it up. You can call me cynical if it saves you a therapy session, but people who affect real change aren’t usually the agreeable types.
Practicalities aside, I think people just like the sound of this shit. I think we enjoy anything, literally anything that talks about romantic love in shortcut terminology. For some reason, that’s still not activating us to ask why we need so much help with romantic love in the first place. We aren’t acknowledging that maybe the ways we go about connecting with each other as human beings are overly complicated, deeply flawed, and creating more chaos than connection, but hey…I’m single, what do I know.
It’s pretty gross actually, the zeal with which we gobble up any offering on the topic of making love easier to achieve. We moth-to-bug zapper ourselves every time someone says or publishes something that claims to hold the secrets of something as common, natural, and unorchestratable as two people meeting and falling in love. We have so much baseless trust in people’s internet ideas and so little trust in…time.
Is it a lack of trust? Or is it just impatience, that ol’ so and so? Speed it up, streamline it, hack it. While I’m all for advice on the best way to procure fresh lemon juice seed-free, do we really think we can lifehack our way to the people who genuinely belong in our lives? When it comes to love, is store-bought really fine?
I can’t tell you how to find love, or make love happen, or whatever the hell the New York Times claims to do with this traffic grab. No one can tell you the secret to making things happen because there isn’t one. There is no secret way to hack your future, though people will try to sell you tips and tricks nonetheless. What I can help with is a decrease in feelings of urgency, and an increase in contentment and pleasure with your own, single life prior to partnership. Notice I said prior to partnership and not instead of partnership, do read that sentence again I’m getting really tired of my messaging losing clarity. We’re talking about our mental health and self worth, let’s not play a game of telephone at sleepover.
Below are 36 questions that might help you love yourself more, but maybe not, because I don’t think any of us are 36 questions away from anything, nor should we be. It’s not enough, it’s too easy, and if it’s too easy, it’s probably not very good. If however you are pretty tired of chasing love at every random suggestion, and would like to learn to value and enjoy your singlehood for as long as you happen to have it, I’ve got some genuine tools for you on the topic.
Until then:
36 Questions That Lead To Loving Yourself
What do you do every Saturday morning?
2. At home, are you slippers, socks, or barefoot?
3. In a bakery case, what do you choose?
4. What’s something you learned how to do as an adult that you enjoy?
5. Do you want a romantic relationship?
6. Why or why not?
7. Window or aisle seat, and why?
8. What is your favorite room in your home?
9. How do you take your coffee?
10. Where would you go if you weren’t ashamed to go there alone?
11. What is your favorite scent to enjoy around the house?
12. What’s something optional in your life that you don’t enjoy?
13. What’s stopping you from releasing it?
14. What do you think of people sitting alone at cafes?
15. When is the last time you listened music all day long?
16. What’s your favorite dish to cook when no one is joining you for dinner?
17. What colors are the blankets and sheets on your bed?
18. What is your favorite part of a party?
19. What’s something you’re never going to organize, and you’re okay with that?
20. What is your favorite place to stop on a road trip?
21. Are you a pet person?
22. How do you greet people you pass on the street, if at all?
23. Do you know your neighbors?
24. What made you purchase your couch?
25. What are you most likely to impulse buy at Target?
26. What time do you prefer to eat dinner?
27. Who and what do you love in a non-romantic way?
28. Who and what loves you in a non-romantic way?
29. What’s something you’d like to receive as a gift?
30. Why haven’t you bought it for yourself?
31. What have you done recently that made you proud of yourself?
32. What kind of bread do you buy and keep in the house?
33. What’s your favorite comfortable outfit to wear at home?
34. What do you get complimented on most often?
35. What kind of physical movement do you enjoy most?
36. What is your favorite non-physical trait in yourself?