Originally published in October 2016
One of the most difficult things I spar with in the dating world is my need to hold onto “traditional” dating values while at the same time smashing through “traditional” professional values attributed to women in the workplace. At work, I want to be treated as equal. In my dating life, I want to be treated like a lady. It’s a tough thing to reconcile.
Common knowledge tells us that there really aren’t standard dating roles anymore. I say hello first, I ask men out first, I pay for things, I follow up after good dates, and men do all of these things, too. I think this is great. Confining people into standard roles feels very limiting to me.
Then there’s the thing I’ve come across lately that is role reversal at, in my opinion, its worst. Where men used to “lead” the courtship process, guided by a woman’s positive reinforcement, women are now expected to lead, guided by scraps and crusts of bread men leave in a trail toward their bedrooms.
The specific thing that really pokes me in the kidney is when men assign chores to women in the app dating world. When they not only buck the roles of yore, but assign us new ones. When they tell us what to do, and how to do it. Or maybe just when they say this:
“Say more than hi.”
First of all, fuck you and the Toyota Camry you rode in on. Second of all, do not do these two things at the same time because whatever the role, they’re rude: Assume I need to be the first one to communicate — you can do that too you fungus, and also let me know that the most common greeting in the English language isn’t going to meet your demeaning standards.
Have you ever read something that deserves a swift kick in the mouth with a Zara platform shoe quite like “say more than hi?!” What is it I’m supposed to say to you exactly? What glittering prose are you hoping for in our first communication? What’s going to attract your attention enough to be worthy of response from uncrowned royalty like yourself?
“Hi there, my name is Sasha. My hobbies include giving you blowjobs, making you sandwiches, and not minding at all when you get super drunk when we go out and then require caring for in the morning when I should be having sex and brunch. Please, sweat whiskey into my freshly washed sheets. I have others.”
I cannot stand these men. These demanding, entitled, spoiled vagina farmers weeding through their bountiful crops for the very best produce to take to market. “Pick me! Pick me!” Die.
Hi let’s you know I want to talk to you. Hi lets you know I am interested, and now maybe it’s up to you to say something that will attract me. Hi is the look I’ve been giving you across the bar for an hour now and if you don’t do something with the window I just opened for you we should all just go home and watch Westworld. Alone. Wasn’t there a time when men liked it when women said hi? When did they start needing so much more?
Is it too much to ask to be treated with a little assumed value? To not have to prove, from moment one, why I’m “worthy” of male attention? Men who say these four words do not value women. Whew, there I said it. Heavens to cupcakes do I feel better.
The endless supply of single women currently available to men online has created not just a change or reversal in roles, but it’s also changed the very basics of manners. In the land of plenty, nothing is precious. Like we’re in some twisted Eden where you can throw your garbage (women) on the ground without getting a ticket for littering.
Let’s ignore for a moment the fact that this pile of llama shit is making it clear that he’s not going to be the one to say hello first, and is just going to kick back with his arms behind his head and wait for pleas for responses to roll in.
Wait, you know what, I’m not going to ignore it. Because it’s the worst. Because I don’t sit back waiting for anything — I try. And I think you need to try too. And yes, sometimes I like the guy to try a little more than girl. And maybe that’s backwards. Maybe that’s going to always be hard for me to reconcile. But I’m more comfortable being uncomfortable with that than thinking things have changed so much that this kind of demand from a man actually merits a response.
Say more than hi. Alright. I will. Here’s what I’ll say to you so that I may convey to you, in this moment, enough to let you know who I am such that you can decide if you want to respond or not. It’s all your choice, right?
“Hi there, my name is Shani. I’ve been putting up with asshats like you for eight years of online dating, and I’m so very ready to be treated well. To be treated as something valuable. Something worth pursuing. What I am not ready for is the implied pressure your profile text places on women who feel, before they’ve had any interaction with you, that they’re already falling behind, and that they’ve really got to ‘wow’ you if they’re going to stand out in the crowd of those currently vying for your seemingly life changing attention. You have no fucking idea how lucky you’d be to get a ‘hi’ from me, and with that snide directive, you never will. Peace.”
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