Originally published in May 2021
They don’t give awards for this. They don’t throw parties, make commemorative plaques, they certainly don’t deploy anything in the ballpark of effort dedicated to weddings, heaven knows. Nobody gives awards for being single, despite the fact that we’re the ones still grinding it out in the dating space (I don’t do that anymore but I still see you if you do). And yet those who aren’t single anymore don’t have to date any longer and always have someone around to zip up a fancy dress. We give people prizes for having things easier. What the hell.
If you’re single, certain things are easy. Things like compromise—which doesn’t exist, space in a bed—which is entirely yours, financial decisions—which you never have to justify, etc. etc. All manner of negotiations and convincing other people to get on board with your ideas are things that only happen on Netflix, in our world. And while I quite enjoy never having to share my cheese plate and I take great comfort in the fact that no one is making a mess of my home but me, I do wish that some of the tough parts of singlehood—because they are legion—were acknowledged and celebrated as the achievements that they are.
Thus, the following are Single Girl Merit Badges That Don’t Exist But Should, in celebration of everything singles accomplish while no one is around to watch or applaud.
Achievements In Reaching Badge: Can be awarded to any single who successfully exfoliates or moisturizes their entire back. This badge is worn upside down when the single also purchases a secure ladder or step stool for accessing high places, as opposed to continuing to balance a box on a chair.
Assembly & Construction Badge: Given to any single who successfully assembles an Ikea bookshelf alone. Following the assembly of an Ikea bed, the badge is dipped in gold and the single is given a large cake.
Field Medicine: Each single who stocks and maintains a pharmacy cabinet + a canned soup/green tea supply in anticipation of common colds and/or minor injuries such that unforeseen ailments do not require a trip to CVS shall be awarded this badge.
The Access Denied Award: Often followed by a brief but buoyant commemorative dance, this badge is given to any single who successfully blocks all window shoppers and exes from their social media.
Safety Protocols Badge: Awarded to any single who preemptively places anti-slip protection on the floor of their shower. If protective gear is only deployed after a particularly scary near-fall, the badge is cut in half, but still worn.
Culinary Mastery Badge: Awarded to a single upon completion of any Julia Child recipe, or a successful popover undertaking. At no time may the smoke alarm be audible during qualification proceedings.
Weightlifting: Distributed to each single who successfully moves something larger than themselves into or out of their residence without assistance or a required visit to a medical professional. Circumference of badge shall increase with each bruise obtained.
Robotics: Awarded upon successful installation of an Alexa or any other home assistant who can set timers tell you the weather and play music without requiring the single to do a damned thing at all.
Self Confidence Star: A single shall be awarded a star each time they refuse to answer “Why are you single?” “How’s dating going?” or any other asshat inquiry into their private lives as if the privacy of a single person is somehow less sacred or worthy of respect than the lives of couples. Extra large stars are awarded to those who retort with, “How happy is your marriage?”
Finance Badge: Each single shall be awarded this badge upon opening a savings account and setting up an automatic deposit into said savings from each paycheck. The badge shall be adorned with a green bow when the single downloads an investment app and contributes funds from said savings account into the investment app for effortless growth.
Cosmetology: A single may earn this merit badge by any of the following means: successfully trimming one’s own bangs, even distribution of at-home hair dye, or hair removal via any means other than a razor.
Solo Relocation Badge: This badge is awarded to any single who completes a move from dwelling to dwelling involving a current home clean out, successfully locating a new home, packing, physically moving by any fiscally sound means, unpacking in the new space, and a reuse-ment or recycling of boxes. Cross-country moves make the badge play a song of the single’s choice by Shania Twain.
Freedom Pennant: Awarded to each single, via a very formal ceremony involving many candles and sweets, when that single permanently deletes their dating apps. An anniversary party shall be thrown for each year app-free.
What’d I miss? Leave your singlehood achievement patch and pin suggestions below.
Update 5/19/21, recommended by one of my Patrons:
Solo Adventure Badge: Awarded to any single after attending a wedding, work function, or “couples trip” alone. Is presented to the single with a congratulatory goblet of champagne or non-alcoholic effervescence of their choice.